Retta - Can't Have Kids

  • Season 8, Ep 5
  • 02/12/2004
  • Views: 10,662

Retta can't have kids because she'd kill them. (1:38)

I DON'T HAVE ANY PETS OF MY OWN

'CAUSE I'M VERY ALLERGIC TO

SHORT-HAIRED ANIMALS WHICH IS

BAD BECAUSE I RECENTLY FOUND OUT

THAT I CAN'T HAVE KIDS.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FOUND OUT.

ABOUT 2 1/2 WEEKS AGO I HAD TO

BABY-SIT MY NEPHEW.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT LITTLE

BASTARD IS SATAN IN GRRANIMALS.

TWO HOURS ALONE WITH HIM AND

I KNEW.

"WHOO, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS.

IT'S NOT PHYSICAL.

I WILL KILL THEM."

AT WHAT POINT IS THROWING ALL OF

MY CDs INTO THE BATH FESTIVE?

'CAUSE HE COULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT

IT WAS FUNNIER.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE

ACTUAL ACT OF GETTING THEM INTO

THE WATER THAT HE FOUND AMUSING

OR ME CATCHING HIM GOING,

"YOU SON OF MY BROTHER!"

HOW MANY TIMES DOES A PERSON

HAVE TO SAY, "NO!

STOP IT AND PUT THAT DOWN OR

I'LL CUT YOU," BEFORE THE POINT

IS MADE.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS MOTHER HAD THE NERVE TO NAME

HIM DAMON.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S AWFULLY

CLOSE TO DEMON, DON'T YOU

THINK?"

WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND I CALL HIM

DAMIEN OR LITTLE SIX, FOR SHORT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO AFTER I'VE HAD TWO OF THE

MOST HORRIFIC HOURS OF MY

ADULT LIFE WITH THIS CHILD, HIS

MOTHER COMES HOME AND SHE'S THE

ICING ON THE CAKE.

"WHERE'S MY BABY?

WHERE'S MY LITTLE DEVIL?"

I WAS LIKE "HE'S IN HELL."

YEAH.

SATAN STOPPED BY WITH COURT

PAPERS.

SAID HE GETS THE KID EVERY

SECOND AND FOURTH WEEKEND.

THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO.

DON'T CRY.

MY HANDS WERE TIED.

NO, SERIOUSLY, MY HANDS WERE

TIED 'CAUSE YOUR LITTLE

LUCIFER BOUND AND GAGGED ME.

[LAUGHTER]

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