Uncensored - Asif Ali - Real Life Comebacks

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 3,543

No one is intimidated by Asif Ali's voice. (2:41)

-I'm trying to be a bad ass.

I don't know if you can tell.

It's not working for me.

My voice is too high.

No one is intimidatedby my voice.

I just-- that's, like, thekey thing to be a bad ass.

You need to have a deep voice.

I don't have it.

No one is-- no one is like,hey, I'm going to kick your ass,

and then gettingscared when they hear

[high pitched vocalization].

Say it again.

See what happens.

You say it again.

No one is hearing thatand be like, guys,

we got to get thefuck outta here.

This guy's going topunch us in the mouth.

No one.

I tried lifting weights.

They're too heavy.

I don't know if youguys have tried them.

They're incredibly heavy.

Because of my face,sometimes people

will say racist things to me.

And usually, like if I wasa normal person, you know,

I would have somethingto say back to them.

I do not.

I am very bad atreal life comebacks.

I'm terrible.

The worst.

When I was in seventh grade,this kid Troy came up to me

and, uh, he waslike, hey, Asif, why

don't you ride a camel to work.

High five, someone.

Now, if I was a, you know, amature person, even at that

age, I would havebeen like, hey, Troy,

can I talk to you for a second?

Two things.

One, super insensitive.

Two, I live in the suburbs.

Where would I keep a camel?

That's veryimpractical for here.

Here's what cameout of my mouth.


What the fuck is that?

It means nothing.

And it's only gotten worseas I've gotten older.

It's only gotten worse.

Now I'll make a long sentencethat doesn't make any sense.

I did a college show in Boston,which is a wonderful city.

Not exactly knownfor being the most

racially tolerantplace in the world.

And I did the collegeshow and I was so pumped.

I was like, oh, this is great.

I was at a traffic lightwaiting for the white person

to give me permissionto cross the street.

And I was, like, superpumped to be there.

And then this Honda accordcame with four frat bastards,

and one of them stuckhis head out the window.

And he goes, hey,Kumar, when are you

going to fly a planeinto a building?

Now, just rightoff the bat, you've

got to give this guy props fortaking two opposite spectrum

cultural references,blending them together

in a Cold StoneCreamery of hate.

You've got to giveit up to that guy.

Now here is what I shouldhave said, if I was,

you know, a man with integrity.

Hey, dickface, I hope you getinto a car accident, you die,

and they play Nickelbackat your funeral.

That's what I should havesaid, if I had integrity.

Here's what cameout of my mouth.

I just did.

What is that?

That means nothing.

If anything, they just thoughtfinding terrorists was, like,

the easiest shit in the world.

They're like, you'vejust gotta ask.

That's all that is.

This is very easy.

So they high fived each other.

They probably roofied a girl andwatched "The Town" on blue ray.