Uncensored - Asif Ali - Real Life Comebacks

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 1 01/11/2011 Views: 3,610

No one is intimidated by Asif Ali's voice. (2:37)

- I'm trying to be a bad ass.

I don't know if you can tell.

It's not working for me.

My voice is too high, no one is intimidated

by my voice, that's like the key thing

to be a bad ass, you need to have a deep voice.

I don't have it.

No one is like, hey I'm gonna kick you ass

and then getting scared when they hear,

Yeah, say it again, see what happens,

you say it again.

No one is hearing that and being like,

guys we gotta get the fuck out of here,

this guy's gonna punch us in the mouth.

No one.

I tried lifting weights,they're too heavy.

I don't know if you guys have tried them.

They're incredibly heavy.

Because of my face, sometimes people will say

racist things to me

and usually, like if I was a normal person,

you know, I would have something to say back to them.

I do not, I am very bad

at real life comebacks,I'm terrible.

The worst, when I was in the 7th grade,

this kid Troy came up to me

and he was like, hey Asif,

why don't you ride a camel to work?

(chuckles)

Aw man, high five someone.

Now if I was a, you know, a mature person,

even at that age, I would have been like,

hey Troy can I talk to you for a second?

One, super insensitive.

Two, I live in the suburbs,

where would I keep a camel?

That's very impractical for here.

Here's what cameout of my mouth.

Ha, so?

What the fuck is that?

That means nothing.

And it's only gotten worse

as I've gotten older.

It's only gotten worse.

Now, I'll make a long sentence

that doesn't make any sense.

I did a college show in Boston,

which is a wonderful city,

not exactly known for being the most

racially tolerant place in the world.

And I did the college show

and I was so pumped,

I was like, oh this is great.

I was at the traffic light waiting for the white person

to give me permission to cross the street

and I was like, super pumped to be there

and then this Honda Accord came with

four Frat bastards and one of them

stuck his head out ofthe window and he goes,

hey Kumbar, when you gonna fly a plane into a building?

Now, just right off the bat,

you gotta give this guys props

for taking two opposite spectrum cultural references,

blending them together in a Cold Stone Creamery of hate.

You gotta give it up to that guy.

Now here is what I should have said,

if I was, you know, a man with integrity.

Hey dickface, I hope youget into a car accident,

you die and they play Nickelback at your funeral.

That's what I should have said, if I had integrity.

Here's what cameout of my mouth.

I just did.

(laughs)

What is that?

That means nothing!

If anything, they just finding terrorists

was like, the easiest shit in the world.

They're like, you just gotta ask, that's all it is.

This is very easy.

So they high fived each other,

they probably roofied a girl

and watched The Town on Blu-Ray.