Daniel Tosh - The White Man

Valentine, Bamford, Tosh, Robinson Season 3, Ep 0302 12/07/1999 Views: 141,373

Some people are saying a lot of bad stuff about the white man. (2:34)

JUST BY LOOKING AT ME

I'M NOT LIKEMOST BLACK COMEDIANS.

Y'ALL, CAN WE KEEP IT DOWNWHILE I SEND A SHOUT OUT?

WHATEVER HAPPENEDTO PEOPLE SAYING, "HI, MOM"?

NOW EVERYBODY'S GOTTO SEND A SHOUT OUT, YOU KNOW?

I GOT TO LISTEN TO SOME KID GO,"I'M GOING TO SEND A SHOUT OUT

"TO TAMIKA, RASHONDA, ROCHELLE,MICHELLE, AMY, RAY RAY, T-BONE

"LISA, ALL THEM BITCHESUP AT BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL.

"WHA'S UP?

"YO, Y'ALL,I WANT TO SEND A SHOUT OUT

TO MY MOM,MY DAD-- WHOEVER HE IS."

I SAW MYSELF NAKEDIN FRONT OF A MIRROR

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.

THAT'S NOT THE JOKE.

THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A SETUP.

I SAW MYSELF NAKED, AND I SAID

"HOLY COW! I'M THE WHITE MAN.

I'VE HEARD A LOT OF BAD THINGSABOUT YOU, CRACKER."

NO, BUT

WE'VE ALL HEARD THE SAYING

"OH, IT'S THE WHITE MANHOLDING ME DOWN."

WELL, I WAS LOOKINGIN THE MIRROR, GOING

"IS IT ME?"

AND THEN I SAID

"HEY, I CAN'T WAKE UPBEFORE 11:30 IN THE MORNING

"MUCH LESS KEEP A RACE OF PEOPLE

FROM REACHINGFINANCIAL FREEDOM."

IT'S NOT ME!

IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

ABOUT GAY PEOPLE?

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.

YOU GOT GAYSAND YOU GOT RELIGION.

GAYS AND RELIGION,AND THEY DON'T PARTY TOGETHER.

IT'S USUALLY, LIKE,SOME RIGHT-WING RADICAL--

SOME REDNECK GUY--GOING, "GOD HATES QUEERS.

"GOD DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE.

"GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE.

HE DIDN'T MAKE ADAM AND..."

Audience members:STEVE!

"STEVE."

THAT'S RIGHT!

WHAT ARE YOU TALK...?

ALL RIGHT, NOW,IF YOU LOOK AT THE BIBLE

AND YOU LOOK AT ADAM AND EVEAND THE GARDEN OF EDEN

WE ALL KNOW WHO SINNED FIRST.

LADIES,DO YOU HAVE TO EAT EVERYTHING?

( cheering and hollering )

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

NOW GOD'S GOT TO PUNISH US.

GOD HAS TO PUNISH USFOR ALL MANKIND.

AND WHAT WAS WOMEN'S PUNISHMENT?

PAINFUL CHILDBIRTH.

MENSTRUAL CYCLES.

WHAT WAS MAN'S PUNISHMENT?

WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH WOMEN.

NOW, DON'T GET UPSET.

DON'T GET UPSET.

THAT'S WHY I GET SO UPSET

WHEN PEOPLE SAY,"GOD HATES GAYS."

GOD DOES NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE.

HE'S JUST MAD BECAUSE THEY FOUNDA LOOPHOLE IN HIS SYSTEM.