Kurt Braunohler - Discovering Masturbation

Kurt Braunohler Season 3, Ep 13 07/25/2014 Views: 7,751

At 12 years old, Kurt Braunohler knew that his penis wasn't living up to its potential. (2:29)

I discovered masturbationat age 12.

And I say "discover" becausenobody taught me how to do it.

Thank God becausethat'd be really creepy.

And I still feel like a geniusfor figuring it out.

'Cause I rememberat 12 being, like...

I don't knowhow it was for girls,

but for boys, like,your dick was very present.

Like, it was always kind of,like, banging around down there.

And I remember at 12 being like,

"I feel like

"you do something else.

"Like, I don't knowexactly what it is.

But I feel like you're notliving up to your potential."

And the wayI discovered masturbation,

I was 12 years old,

I was taking a shitand eating an apple pie

from a fast food restaurant.

True story. True story.

First off,classy move on my part.

After polishing offa burger and fries,

retiring to the commode

with just a-a deep-fried,

hot sleeve of pie.

Just a sleeve filledwith oil and sugar.

And at the time,I knew that sex was a thing,

but I didn't knowexactly what it was.

Because I just foundmy uncle's Playboys,

and I'd cut just the breastsout of every photograph

and taped them to my wall

underneath a poster that wasa photograph of myself

at age five that said,"Wanted dead or alive."

And I would chargechildren in the neighborhood

a quarter to stare at this seaof disembodied breasts,

realizing early on that breasts

without women are disturbing!

It was just like-like a pileof sunny-side-up eggs.

And... so I was sitting there,

12 years old, taking a shit,

I'm eating this pie.

And I get a boner.


Was it becauseof the transgressive act

of eating such a sweet treatwhile shitting?

Essentially making myself

like a reverse human straw?


Or was it simply

because I was 12?

And at 12, your boner is

the most annoying friendin the world.

Always coming over just, "Hey!

"Hey! What are we doing?!

"We having sex yet? No?

That's okay,I'm still sticking around!"