I discovered masturbationat age 12.
And I say "discover" becausenobody taught me how to do it.
Thank God becausethat'd be really creepy.
And I still feel like a geniusfor figuring it out.
'Cause I rememberat 12 being, like...
I don't knowhow it was for girls,
but for boys, like,your dick was very present.
Like, it was always kind of,like, banging around down there.
And I remember at 12 being like,
"I feel like
"you do something else.
"Like, I don't knowexactly what it is.
But I feel like you're notliving up to your potential."
And the wayI discovered masturbation,
I was 12 years old,
I was taking a shitand eating an apple pie
from a fast food restaurant.
True story. True story.
First off,classy move on my part.
After polishing offa burger and fries,
retiring to the commode
with just a-a deep-fried,
hot sleeve of pie.
Just a sleeve filledwith oil and sugar.
And at the time,I knew that sex was a thing,
but I didn't knowexactly what it was.
Because I just foundmy uncle's Playboys,
and I'd cut just the breastsout of every photograph
and taped them to my wall
underneath a poster that wasa photograph of myself
at age five that said,"Wanted dead or alive."
And I would chargechildren in the neighborhood
a quarter to stare at this seaof disembodied breasts,
realizing early on that breasts
without women are disturbing!
It was just like-like a pileof sunny-side-up eggs.
And... so I was sitting there,
12 years old, taking a shit,
I'm eating this pie.
And I get a boner.
Was it becauseof the transgressive act
of eating such a sweet treatwhile shitting?
Essentially making myself
like a reverse human straw?
Or was it simply
because I was 12?
And at 12, your boner is
the most annoying friendin the world.
Always coming over just, "Hey!
"Hey! What are we doing?!
"We having sex yet? No?
That's okay,I'm still sticking around!"