I was meeting a guythrough JDate,
and it was, like,my one-millionth first date.
And I was like, I really need
to just (bleep) flip the scripta little bit
and just, like,have a new strategy.
So my new strategy for this datewas I was gonna go in
super interested already,kind of, you know,
on the verge of lovewith this guy,
just knowing everything.
Which I know is psychotic,but I was like,
I really need a changein my life.
So I was at home getting readyfor this date,
which for me just means
putting on biggerand bigger shirts.
That's how I get readyfor stuff.
And I was like,while I do that,
I should be studying his profile
so I already know everythingabout him.
So, I, like,brought up his profile
on my AltaVista, or whatever.
And I was like,"Enhance, enhance."
And, like, he had, like,four pictures,
and they were super flattering.
And I was like, this guy isway out of my league.
I'm gonna show upat the restaurant,
he's gonna barfacross the table,
I'm gonna be like, "Sorry,"
and that's gonna bethe whole date.
I was just, like, panicking.
And I was starting to run late,which I never do.
I'm never late.
And that made everything worse.
So, finally, I was like,goddamn it, Gabe,
why don't you just go ona (bleep) diet,
and then no one will everbe out of your league again.
Which is genius.
So, I, like, walked out the door
all confident on my new diet,just feeling tiny already.
"Ooh, I hope it's not windy."
You know, just feeling small.
And, like, I knew
that I was gonna have to eatso healthy at dinner
to be skinny by the endof dinner for sex, or whatever.
So, like,for the whole subway ride,
I was just, like,crunching numbers.
And he had chosenthis soul food restaurant,
uh, in the East Village,
which is like,"Great, that's super fun."
But it's a really hard placeto be on a diet,
but I was a good sport.
And I got there, and he, like,
you know, like, looked enoughlike his pictures
that I sat down,and we were talking,
and it was my turn to order,and I was like,
Sorry, that's howskinny people order.
They're like, "Yes...
I want this one thing."
And then fat people are like,
"Yeah, I want thisand everything touching it
on the page," or whatever.
And I was being super small.
So, I was like, "Yes...I would like the roasted
"Brussels sprouts, please.
And a side of broccoli."
And he got, like,a smoked beef ass, or whatever
a (bleep) normal person getsat a soul food restaurant.
And, like, the food came,and we were chatting.
I got all my veggies down--lesson learned.
They're not the worst.
And our conversationwas going fine--
yes, 13 Going on 30 came up 20 times,
and he didn't seem to mind--and we were, like,
done dinner, so he was like,
"We should go geta drink after this."
And I was like,"Yeah, let's go get a (bleep)
million drinks right now."
And just sprinted out.
Slide to the bar and I started--we were drinking,
just kept on drinkingand drinking and drinking.
And I don't know about you guys,but, like, when I get drunk,
I become... perfect.