Joey Kola - No Exercise

  • Season 7 , Ep 21
  • 07/10/2003
  • Views: 4,696

Joey Kola: THIS IS A COOL PLACE.

ISN'T THIS A COOL THEATER?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WANT YOU GUYS TO LEARN SOMETHIN'

FROM MY ACT TONIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DO.

I MEAN, I WANT YA TO LAUGH,

YOU KNOW, BUT I WANT YOU TO

LEARN SOMETHIN' FROM ME TONIGHT,

THIS SWEATY LITTLE GUY IN FRONT

OF YA.

I THINK I COULD TEACH YA

SOMETHIN', WE COULD LEARN FROM

EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

I WANT YOU TO LEARN.

SO ONE THING I WANT YOU TO LEARN

IS HOW TO MERGE.

HOW TO MERGE YOUR CARS.

NOW I KNOW...

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW 90 PERCENT OF YOU PEOPLE

ARE GOOD DRIVERS.

EVERY AUDIENCE I PLAY, 90 OF THE

PEOPLE ARE GOOD DRIVERS.

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT

10 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE,

AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GIVE ME THIS CRAP.

"I CAN'T GET OVER.

THEY'RE NOT LETTING ME IN!

I'M GONNA BE STUCK HERE FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

NO, YOU'RE NOT, 'CAUSE IT'S

GONNA BE ME BEHIND YOUR ASS ONE

DAY GOIN'...

[CRASHING NOISE]

"GO!

GO!

JUST FRIGGIN' GO!

WOULD YOU GO, DAMNIT, GO!"

[WHISTLES, CHEERS, APPLAUSE]

I'M A MESS.

I'M A HUSBAND.

I'M A FATHER.

I'M A PACK MULE IS ALL I AM.

THAT'S WHY YOU LADIES MARRY US,

JUST SO WE COULD CARRY YOUR

STUFF FOR YA.

[LAUGHTER]

CAN YOU GET THE GROCERIES IN?

CAN YOU GET THE GROCERIES IN,

LIFT THE COUCH, TAKE THE GARBAGE

OUT?

"I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING."

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK AT MY BODY.

I USED TO BE A GYMNAST, OKAY?

NOW LOOK AT THIS.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY GENITALS

ARE IN THESE PANTS.

I GOT NO BUTT AND A PAIR OF

BREASTS NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M A MESS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T EXERCISE AT ALL.

I DON'T WANT--

WHY EXERCISE?

WHY-- WHY--

[LAUGHTER]

OTHER FAT FLABBY PEOPLE

UP IN THE AUDIENCE, I SEE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN'T DRINK THIS, I CAN'T EAT

THAT, I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHAT DO YOU DO, EAT THE RIGHT

FOODS, EXERCISE, LIVE TILL

YOU'RE 97 SO YOUR RELATIVES

CAN EMPTY YOUR URINE BOTTLE

EVERY FIVE MINUTES?

"OH, THANKS FOR LIVIN' SO LONG,

GRANDPA.

ALL I WANNA DO IS TEND TO YOUR

BODILY FLUIDS."

NOT ME!

I'M GONNA DIE OF A NICE HEART

ATTACK WHEN I'M 65, AND I'M

OUTTA HERE, THAT'S IT!

MY TOMBSTONE'S GONNA BE SHAPED

LIKE A CANNOLI.

[LAUGHTER]

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