Tom Cotter - Road Rage

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 3,514

Tom Cotter relives a road rage moment. (1:30)

I HAVE ROAD RAGE.

YOU EVER HAVE ROAD RAGE?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'M ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE

TWO WEEKS AGO, I'M IN THE

HIGH-SPEED LANE DOING LIKE

75 MILES AN HOUR.

THIS GUY COMES UP BEHIND ME LIKE

I'M NOT EVEN MOVING.

LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL, RIGHT?

AND HE STARTS TAILGATING ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S LIKE A MOLECULE OFF YOUR

BACK BUMPER.

AND THIS GOES ON FOR MILES.

AND THEN AFTER A COUPLE MILES

HE STARTS FLASHING HIS LIGHT,

RIGHT, TRYING TO BARBECUE THE

RETINA, RIGHT OUT OF MY EYEBALL.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I PULL IN ANOTHER LANE,

AS HE GOES BY HE GIVES ME A

LOOK, AND I GIVE HIM THE FINGER.

AND NOW WE'RE AT DEF-COM ONE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

I AM GONNA TORTURE THIS GUY.

SO I'M BEHIND HIM AND I'M

SPEEDING UP AND I'M BACKING OFF

AND I'M TRYING TO FLASH MY

LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING.

WE BOTH PULL OVER TO THE

BREAKDOWN LANE.

I GET OUT OF MY CAR, I WALK OVER

AND I PULL HIM OUT OF THE

AMBULANCE.

AND I'M SMACKING HIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY COURT APPOINTED PSYCHIATRIST

TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO LEARN HOW

TO LOVE MYSELF.

AND I'M LIKE, "DOC, I'M UP TO

THREE TIMES A DAY AS IT IS,"

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

I'M GONNA GO BLIND, I SWEAR TO

GOD.

I'M A CHANGE STROKER, I REALLY

AM.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY

WHEN HE CALLED ME A WHACK JOB,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LONELY.

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