Paul Mecurio - Animal Kingdom

CC Presents: Paul Mercurio Season 8, Ep 23 05/20/2004 Views: 2,689

God is passive aggressive. (2:48)

LITTLE BAMBINO NOW.

MY WIFE AND I, WE HAVE A LITTLE

BOY.

HIS NAME IS ALEXANDER.

HE JUST TURNED A YEAR ON--

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

JUST TURNED A YEAR.

JUST STARTED WALKING.

IT'S SO CUTE.

DID YOU EVER SEE A KID WHEN HE

FIRST STARTS WALKING?

HOW CUTE IS THAT?

'CAUSE LIKE HE WALKS TEN FEET,

AND THEN HE SITS, THEN HE WALKS

TEN FEET, AND THEN HE SITS,

AND HE WALKS TEN FEET, AND HE

SITS.

AND I REALIZE HE'S A SECURITY

GUARD.

[LAUGHTER]

TIRED ALL THE TIME WITH A KID.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'M SO TIRED.

YOU EVER BEEN SO TIRED YOU

LOOK AT A HOMELESS ASLEEP ON

THE STREET, AND GO, "BOY, I WISH

I COULD SLEEP LIKE THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T NEED A BOX SPRING.

I NEED A BOX.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY WIFE BREAST-FED.

THAT WENT WELL...

FOR HIM.

OH, YEAH, BEAUTIFUL BREASTS

WERE AROUND THE HOUSE.

I COULDN'T TOUCH 'EM, CAUSE

THEY'RE ALL FULL OF LITTLE

POOP MACHINE, YOU KNOW?

OH, IT'S A HUGE TEASE.

MY KID WOULD TAUNT ME.

IN THE MIDDLE OF BREAST-FEEDING,

HE'D JUST TURN, MMM, MMM, MMM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MA.

MY LIPS ARE HUGE, AREN'T THEY?

[LAUGHTER]

SEE, THE WAY YOU LAUGHED,

YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT

SINCE I GOT UP HERE.

OKAY, SIR, THEY'RE NOT THAT BIG.

WHEN I WAS EIGHT, MY LIPS WERE

THE SAME SIZE AS THEY ARE NOW.

I COULD WHISPER IN MY OWN EAR.

MY FATHER WOULD TAKE ME FISHING,

STICK MY FACE IN THE WATER,

AND SAY, "OKAY, CALL YOUR

FRIENDS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOD, DID NOT HAVE TO MAKE MY

LIPS THIS BIG.

I THINK HE'S PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

LOOK WHAT HE DID TO THE

KANGAROO.

LOOK AT THAT POOR ANIMAL.

CUTE FACE, HUGE, POWERFUL LEGS,

MASSIVE TAIL, ONLY ANIMAL WITH

A POCKET.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DOES GOD DO?

MAKES HIS ARMS TOO SHORT TO

REACH IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE, I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE

MIRRORS IN THE WILD, 'CAUSE IF

SOME OF THESE WILD ANIMALS SAW

THEMSELVES, THEY WOULDN'T BE SO

COCKY.

THINK ABOUT IT, HOW YOU LOOK

AFFECTS HOW YOU FEEL.

AND WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE TRUE

FOR THE WILD ANIMAL KINGDOM?

LIKE THE PANDA BEAR.

THAT'S A WILD ANIMAL.

IN HIS HEAD, HE'S A BAD ASS

BEAR.

[HISSING SOUND]

BUT IF HE SAW HIMSELF IN A

FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, HE WOULDN'T

BE SO COCKY.

HE'D BE LIKE, "HUH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M ADORABLE."