Day Job

Season 6 , Ep 608 12/14/02 Views: 2,314

Working a day job requires one to wake up in the morning. (3:48)

I HAD A DAY JOB BEFORE, THOUGH.

ANYONE HERE HAVE ONE OF THOSE?

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

COUPLE OF YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO THE

OTHERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL ABOUT THE

DAY JOB?

ME EITHER.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

(LAUGHTER)

THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO DO

WHEN YOU HAVE A DAY JOB IS, YOU

HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.

AND THAT'S INCONVENIENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT?

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

YOU GET UP, AND YOU SHOWER.

AND YOU PEE.

AND YOU HAVE SOME COFFEE.

AND FOR ME, THAT'S TOO MANY

HOT LIQUIDS AT ONE TIME.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOOD FOR

YOUR SYSTEM, TO HAVE HOT LIQUIDS

COMING IN AND GOING OUT AND

GETTING SHOT AT YOU WITH THIS

HIGH-PRESSURE WATER GUN.

AH!

GOOD MORNING.

BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU WAKE UP, AND IT'S HOT

LIQUID, HOT LIQUID, HOT LIQUID.

AND THEN YOU GO OUTSIDE,

AND IT'S PACKED OUTSIDE.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY

PEOPLE ARE JUST UP IN THE

MORNING.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WOULD HAVE TO GUESS--

I DON'T KNOW: 50 PERCENT.

OR MAYBE EVEN AS MANY AS HALF OF

ALL THE PEOPLE ARE UP IN THE

MORNING.

AND THEY DON'T WANNA BE THERE.

IT LOOKS LIKE ALL THEY HAD FOR

BREAKFAST WAS A CIGARETTE AND A

PISS.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE TIRED AND

CRABBY, AND IT'S BRIGHT AND

SURLY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PLEASE, FOLKS. SOMEBODY'S GOTTA

FOLLOW ME.

AND THEN THERE'S A TON OF PEOPLE

OVER HERE, AND THEY'RE TRYING

TO GET OVER THERE.

BUT THERE'S A TON OF PEOPLE

THERE.

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO GET OVER

HERE.

IT'S REALLY NOT ORGANIZED WELL

AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

JUST LIVE OVER THERE, AND WORK

OVER THERE.

AND THEN YOU GUYS COULD LIVE

HERE, AND WORK OVER HERE.

BUT NO, EVERYONE WANTS TO DO

THIS CHINESE FIRE DRILL EVERY

MORNING, FOR LIKE, THREE HOURS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND YOUR DESTINATION IN THE

MORNING--

IT'S NOT TO BE IN BED ANY MORE,

WHERE IT'S SOFT AND QUIET

AND NATURAL AND WARM AND

PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE.

NO.

YOU WANNA GET TO THE PLACE WHERE

YOU DON'T WANNA BE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU WANNA GET

THE PLACE YOU DON'T WANNA GO,

THE OFFICE.

SO YOU CAN BE IN YOUR SAFE

LITTLE CUBICLE THERE IT THE

OFFICE.

AND THERE'S A WHOLE CELLBLOCK

FULL OF THESE CUBICLES.

AND IT'S DESIGNED SO YOU DON'T

HAVE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH

ANOTHER HUMAN BEING EVER AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE EVERY ONCE IN A

WHILE SOMEBODY WILL WALK IN,

AND EVERYONE STANDS UP AND DOES

THAT PRAIRIE DOG THING.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO YOU'RE WORKING AWAY UNTIL

LUNCH TIME.

AND FINALLY, LUNCH ARRIVES.

AND THAT'S GREAT 'CAUSE THAT'S

LIKE PAROLE.

FOR AN HOUR, I GET TO GO OUT AND

EAT.

NOW, WHERE DO YOU GO TO EAT?

DO YOU GO TO THE SAME PLACE YOU

ALWAYS GO?

IT'S VERY CONVENIENT.

YOU KNOW EVERYBODY THERE.

BUT YOU CAN BURN OUT ON IT,

YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH OF

SOMETHING YOU REALLY LIKE,

AFTER A WHILE YOU DON'T LIKE IT

ANY MORE.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA LOOK AT IT

ANY MORE.

LIKE IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH

HALLOWEEN CANDY, OR TOO MUCH

ANGELINA JOLIE.

BECAUSE...

(AUDIENCE MOANS)

OH, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE TRUTH

BY MOANING AT IT, PEOPLE.

IT'S TRUE.

I'VE BEEN EATING AT THE SAME

CHINESE PLACE ALL WEEK LONG.

I GOT MOO GOO GAI PAN COMING OUT

THE YIN-YANG.

ALL YOU CAN EAT AND DIM SUM.

I THINK TODAY...

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL HAVE A BURRITO.

YOU SHOVE THAT DOWN.

BUT YOU STILL GOT THE TASTE OF

OFFICE IN YOUR MOUTH.

YOU NEED A DRINK TO WASH IT

DOWN, A REAL DRINK.

A DRINK DRINK.

BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ANOTHER

ST. JOHN'S WORT SMOOTHIE WHIPPED

UP BY SOME WHEATGRASS-BREATH

BLENDER-JOCKEY AT BRUCE'S JUICE

CABOOSE IS GONNA CUT IT,

YOU KNOW?

I'M ABOUT TO SNAP LIKE GRANDMA'S

OSTEOPOROSIS HIP.

THE ONLY JUICE I WANT IS POTATO

THAT'S BEEN FERMENTED WITH SOME

VERMOUTH AND OLIVES AND ICED

DOWN AND STRAINED DIRECTLY INTO

MY FERMENTED

POTATO-JUICE-RECEIVING HOLE;

RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BUT YOU CAN'T DRINK ON THE

CLOCK, UNLESS YOU WORK FOR EXXON

OR AMERICA WEST, OR AMTRAK,

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THAT'S IT FOR

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