I haven't been to a gym sinceI graduated from gym. Yeah.
That was 15 years ago.
I'm on TV. I lost ten poundsjust so I'd look this fat.
That doesn't seem fair.
I look at myself, this is whatI want to look like,
so 15 pounds later,lots of sweatin'.
No, I didn't do any of that.
I ate a couple whole pizzas.Why not?
Yeah, I don't work out.
It's usually not a problem.
I'm not in great shape,but it's never an issue.
But sometimes when it is,it's an issue.
You know what I mean?Like, it comes up quick.
Bad timing. I hurt my legthe other night having sex.
My right one.My hamstring cramped up on me
right in the middle of it.
I was, like, "Uh! Ooh!Good God!
"What was that?
You get that, like, "Uh-oh,this doesn't usually happen."
I was trying to be nonchalantabout it, you know?
Stretch my leg out underthe covers, curl my toes.
Nothing worked,so I finally said out loud,
I was, like, "My leg hurts."
And then my wife goes, "Uh, whydon't you just get on top?"
What are you, new?
That's not gonna help,you know what I mean?
Now I'm just gonna embarrassmyself along with the leg cramp.
That's not gonna work.She knows that, too.
I'll get up there,she'll be, like,
"Why are your arms shaking?"
I bet if you thought about itfor a second,
you could solve this case,Nancy Drew.
It's all context clues.
You know what? Maybe it hassomething to do with the fact
that I weigh a quarter-of-a-thousand pounds, yeah.
And I've been doing a pushupfor 15 minutes.
I am not a superhero.
The only way this is gonna besuccessful is if I can rig up
a system of ropes and pulleysoff the ceiling.
Strap on some counterweightsand a hand crank
and then a full-body harness,you know?
Like a fat hammock, like whenyou're trying to put a whale
onto a boat. One of those?
And then slowly lower myselfdown from the ceiling...
like I'm Tom Cruise...
in Missionary Impossible.