I'm not sure if anyone'sdone this.
Over the age of 35,I hurt my neck sleeping.
You ever do that?
I was dreamingof falling down the steps.
Now, as a man, you havevery few massage options.
Option number one,I could trade one with my wife.
Three minutes in, she's gonnacomplain her hand is tired.
Then I'm gonna owe her one.
It's a bad deal.
Number two,the chair.
You ever goto the mall?
The uniformed Chinese guys
want you to get in a chair,sit ass-out,
Potsie-style,put your face in the doughnut
that's seena thousand other faces.
I'm a germaphobe.I'm gonna put it in there.
Not to mention,it's all open air.
I got some fat kideating a piece of Sbarro
right next to me.
It's not relaxing.It's not gonna work.
Option number three,fancy place.
Spa, real spa.
I don't havethat kind of time.
I don't needto spend four hours
in some cucumber waterutopian environment.
I don't have the time.
I want Jiffy Lubeof neck fixing.
I don't want to goto some relaxation room
where you gotsome menopausal hippie lady
walking aroundwith an open robe,
some car crash of a vaginahanging out,
to give somebody a last lookbefore they retire it for good.
I don't have the timeor the stomach.
Brings meto option number four.
Strip mall massage.
You guys know whatI'm talking about. Huh?
You especiallyknow what I'm talking about.
You know the strip mall too.
A bunch of shitty businesses
that got togetherto become roommates.
Always a Quizno's,nail salon...
They con some poorMexican-American teenager
to dress up likethe Statue of Liberty out front.
[cheers and applause]
Be ashamedof themselves.