D.C. Benny - Going to the Dentist

  • Season 8 , Ep 3
  • 02/05/2004
  • Views: 8,906

Is the dentist sure all the bleeding has nothing to do with the metal hook in his hand? (2:48)

D.C. Benny: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, NEW YORK.

I LOVE YOU, NEW YORK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING

YET.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

IT'S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK.

HAD TO GO TO THE DENTIST.

I'M VERY SCARED OF DENTISTS.

I HAVE A PHOBIA, YOU KNOW?

I GO INTO THE OFFICE AND I'M

WAITING.

A LITTLE KID COMES OUT AND HE'S

CRYING.

THE DENTIST BENDS OVER AND GIVES

HIM A LOLLIPOP.

I'M LIKE, "DON'T TAKE THAT, MAN,

THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU HERE IN THE

FIRST PLACE.

DON'T DO IT."

[LAUGHTER]

THE DENTIST BRINGS ME INTO THE

OFFICE AND HE STARTS DIGGING IN

MY MOUTH.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THERE'S SOME

BLEEDING FROM YOUR GUMS.

YOU MUST NOT BE BRUSHING."

I'M LIKE, "AH, IT WOULDN'T HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT BIG,

METAL HOOK WOULD IT?"

FREDDY KRUEGER.

YEAH.

HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I WANNA

DO AN X-RAY."

I'M LIKE, "AH, I DON'T WANT

X-RAYS."

HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO, IT'S TOTALLY

SAFE."

SO HE THROWS THE LEAD NAPKIN

ON ME RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW?

HE'S IN THAT BIG STAR TREK BOOTH

WITH THE GOGGLES ON, YOU KNOW?

IN THAT MACHINE LIKE--

[SNIFFS] "SOMETHING'S BURNING.

STAY STILL.

DON'T MOVE."

SO THEN I GET NOVOCAIN WHICH IS

LIKE INSTANT PARALYSIS,

YOU KNOW?

I'M TRYING TO HAIL A CAB--

NOTHING'S WORKING.

I'M OUT IN THE STREET LIKE...

AHHH!

ALL THE DRIVERS ARE DRIVING BY

LIKE, "NO, NO, NO, NO."

AHHH!

"NO, SHIFT CHANGE.

NO."

[LAUGHTER]

I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE WITH CABS,

YOU KNOW?

THERE'S A LOT OF PAKISTANI

CAB DRIVERS.

I WONDER IF YOU GO TO PAKISTAN

IF ALL THE CAB DRIVERS ARE

AMERICAN.

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALL THE PAKISTANI GUYS

MESS WITH THEM.

THEY GO, [ACCENT] "LOOK,

HIS NAME IS JOHN."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

"ONLY ONE SYLLABLE."

"CLOSE THE FLAP.

YOU STINK LIKE CHEESEBURGER.

NOW DRIVE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S-- YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO BE

IN NEW YORK.

BEEN HERE 12 YEARS.

IT'S NICE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF GETTING

THE VILLAGE VOICE AND LOOKING

FOR ONE OF THOSE BROKERS TO FIND

AN APARTMENT.

AND YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT

AND THEY SHOW YOU SOMETHING

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I WANTED A PLACE

IN MANHATTAN.

YOU KNOW I GET THIS CALL,

"I HAVE THE PERFECT APARTMENT

FOR YOU."

I'M LIKE, "IN MANHATTAN,

RIGHT?"

"YES, YES."

WE'RE ON THE 4 TRAIN TO THE

BRONX.

I'M LIKE "THIS ISN'T MANHATTAN."

"YES, IT'S CALLED UPPER UPTOWN,"

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

WE GET TO THE BUILDING.

HE'S LYING.

HE'S LIKE, "NICE BUILDING WITH

DOORMAN, A UNIFORM.

THEY HOLD THE PACKAGE."

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE UPS GUY,"

YOU KNOW?

WE GO INSIDE, THERE'S A BULLET

BULLET HOLE."

"NO, IT'S GOOD FOR JEHOVAH'S

WITNESS.

YOU CAN LOOK."

OPEN THE CLOSET, THERE'S AN

ABANDONED BABY LIKE, "WAH!"

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT?"

"OH, YOUR ROOMMATE.

HE LIKE YOU.

HE SAY HI."

[LAUGHTER]

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