Uncensored - Joe Rogan - Tapping Out to Baldness

Joe Rogan: Live from the Tabernacle Season 1, Ep 101 02/28/2014 Views: 20,640

When he was younger, Joe Rogan thought that he could change what he didn't like about his appearance, but now he knows better. (2:29)

GOD DAMN IT SMELLSLIKE WEED IN HERE.

HOLY SHIT!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL!

I WRITE SHIT DOWN WHEN I'M HIGH,

AND I GET MAD AT MYSELFWHEN I'M SOBER.

I WROTE THIS DOWN:

"A UNICORN IS A DONKEYFROM THE FUTURE."

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS YOU NEED TO STOPSMOKING SO MUCH WEED, STUPID.

BECOMING--

THANKS FOR NOT MAKING FUNOF MY HAIRCUT RIGHT AWAY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YO,I HAD TO TAP OUT TO BALDNESS.

AT A CERTAIN POINT IN TIME,YOU CAN'T KEEP GETTING HAIR CUTS

WHERE YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKSLIKE SHIT.

THAT'S JUST--YOU GOT TO ADMITWHAT'S GOING ON.

FATHER TIME,YOU CRUEL BITCH,

YOU WIN AGAIN.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG,I HAD A HAIR TRANSPLANT.

SO I HAVE THIS STUPID SCARON THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

YOU SEE THAT THING RIGHT THERE?

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE SMILE.

IT'S A DUMB THING THAT I DIDWHEN I WAS 20,

OR IN MY 20s--

WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,AND SOMEONE CONVINCES YOU

THAT YOU CAN FIX SOMETHINGYOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF,

YOU CAN DO SOME STUPID SHIT,

AND THAT'S THE DUMBEST ONE EVER.

A HAIR TRANSPLANT--IT'S ONE OFTHE MOST RIDICULOUS IDEAS EVER.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A BUNCH OFHAIR FROM BACK HERE

WHERE IT NEVER FALLS OUT,

AND MOVE IT UP HEREWHERE IT'S FALLING OUT.

SO IT'S LIKE TAKING A BUNCH OFREALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE,

AND YOU MOVE THEM INTOA NEIGHBORHOOD

WHERE EVERYONE'S DYING.

THEIR NEIGHBORS ARE JUST FLYINGOFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

"HOLD THE GROUND!

WHERE ARE WE?"

THERE'S SOME SHIT YOU CAN'T FIX.

YOU CAN'T FIX LIPS.

YOU CAN TRY, BUT YOU'RE JUSTGONNA FREAK PEOPLE THE FUCK OUT.

OKAY?PERIOD.

NO ONE HAS EVER TAKENFIVE DAYS OFF WORK

AND COME BACK LIKE...

[grunts]

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,"I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.THAT'S BETTER."

NO, THAT'S A SIGNYOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY,

OR YOU MADE OUT WITH A BEEHIVE.

SOMETHING WENT WRONG.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING,YOU CRAZY BITCH?

"THEY DIDN'T KNOW."

HOW COULD THEY KNOW,THE FIRST WOMEN TO TRY THE LIPS.

HOW COULD THEY KNOWTHAT IT WOULDN'T WORK

WHEN IT WORKED SO WELLWITH TITS?

SEE, THAT'S WHEREIT'S CONFUSING,

'CAUSE TITS CAN BE RIDICULOUS.

THEY DON'T--THEY LOOK LIKEFUCKING STAPH INFECTIONS.

IF YOUR TITS WERE REAL,YOU'RE GONNA DIE, ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY--

THEY COULD STICK OUTAND STRETCH THE SKIN.

WE KNOW.WE KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

IT'S THE WORST MAGIC TRICK EVER.WE KNOW.

THERE'S AN INCISION, THEY STUFFA WATER BAG UNDER THERE,

AND STITCH THATMOTHERFUCKER UP.

AND WE'RE LIKE, "I DON'T CAREIF I CAN TOUCH 'EM.

"AS LONG AS THEY MOVECLOSER TOWARDS ME,

I'M MORE HAPPY AND EXCITED."