Eddie Brill - You Go to Heaven

  • Season 7 , Ep 18
  • 06/12/2003
  • Views: 981

All our lives, heaven is pushed on us, but what if hell is the cooler place? (2:02)

Eddie Brill: IT'S VERY HARD

TO TALK ABOUT RELIGION IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE SHOULD.

RELIGION SHOULD BE ABOUT LOVE

AND NOT FEAR.

AND THERE'S TOO MUCH FEAR

IN THE WORLD.

THERE'S TOO MUCH CONFUSION

ABOUT RELIGION IN THE WORLD.

RELIGION IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS HAVE BEEN

CONFUSING US LATELY.

IT'S REALLY BEEN HORRIBLE.

LIKE, RELIGIOUS LEADERS TELL US

IF WE DO GOOD THINGS,

WE GO TO HEAVEN, RIGHT?

AND THEN, SOME OF THEM DO

BAD THINGS.

AND IT MAKES ME THINK,

"MAYBE HELL'S THE COOLER PLACE,

AND THEY'RE HOLDIN' OUT ON US."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BECAUSE THEY PUSH HEAVEN

LIKE CRAZY.

IT MAKES YOU THINK.

REMEMBER, GROWING UP,

WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT

HEAVEN LOOKED LIKE, IT WAS

CARTOONS IN A BOOK.

RIGHT, THERE'S A PICTURE

OF A LONG TABLE WITH FOOD,

AND ANGELS PLAYING HARPS.

AND THEN, HELL, THEY NEVER

SHOWED YOU MUCH.

THEY SHOWED YOU ONE PICTURE,

THE BOILER ROOM.

MAYBE THAT'S THE BOILER ROOM

TO THE FIVE-STAR HOTEL AND

CASINO WHERE ALL THE PRIESTS

ARE GAMBLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PEOPLE PUSHING EACH OTHER,

"WATCH IT, BUDDY.

WATCH IT.

YOU GO TO HEAVEN."

NO, "YOU GO TO HEAVEN."

I GREW UP IN A HOUSE WHERE THERE

WAS MORE THAN ONE RELIGION.

AND THAT MADE MY LIFE TERRIFIC,

BECAUSE WE LEARNED TO RESPECT

EACH OTHER'S RELIGION.

AND THAT'S WHY THERE'S PROBLEMS

IN THE WORLD TODAY.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S FIGHTING

IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

THAT'S WHY THERE WAS FIGHTING

IN NORTHERN IRELAND.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S FIGHTING

IN OUR OWN COUNTRY.

BECAUSE WE DO NOT RESPECT

EACH OTHER'S RELIGION.

AND WE HAVE TO, BECAUSE WE DON'T

KNOW WHICH ONE IS RIGHT.

[APPLAUSE]

WE DON'T.

THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS THEATER

WHO BELIEVE IN JESUS, AND THERE

ARE PEOPLE IN THIS THEATER

WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE

THAT BELIEVE IN ALLAH.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE

WHO BELIEVE IN MOHAMMED.

AND THERE'S SOME GUY RIGHT NOW

IN TIMES SQUARE AND 42nd STREET

WITH A BULLHORN GOING,

"GOD'S A GOLFCLUB.

GOD'S A GOLF CLUB."

AND WE LAUGH AT THAT GUY.

BUT WHAT IF WE GET TO THE

AFTERLIFE AND GOD'S A NINE-IRON.

IT'S LIKE, BULL-HORN JOHNNY

WAS RIGHT.

I COULD HAVE SLEPT IN

ALL THOSE SUNDAYS.

AND NO WONDER WHY TIGER WOODS

IS SO GREAT.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF WE GET TO HEAVEN

AND GOD'S A GOLF CLUB.

AND "GOD, YOU'RE A GOLF CLUB.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US A SIGN."

HE'S LIKE, "GIVE YOU A SIGN,

I PUT A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE BUSIEST INTERSECTION ON

THE PLANET WITH A BULL HORN.

WAS THAT TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, BUT HE SMELLED LIKE URINE.

WELL, THAT WAS HIS IDEA.

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BRING

ATTENTION TO HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER]

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