Bill Burr - Beautiful Women

  • Season 7 , Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003
  • Views: 25,511

Beautiful women love stuff. (2:01)

I DO.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

LIKE, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

I DON'T TRUST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

I JUST DON'T.YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOU KNOWWHAT I'VE NOTICED

IN MY LIFE AS A MAN?

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ARE ONLY AROUNDWHEN YOU HAVE STUFF.

WHEN YOUR LIFEIS GOING ON GREAT,

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE BROKE,

YOU CAN'T FINDA BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

YOU'RE, LIKE, UNDER A BRIDGE.

THERE'S, LIKE, TROLLSAND FERRETS RUNNING AROUND.

THEY'RE JUST NOT AROUND.

THEN THE SECOND YOU GET SOME--

LIKE, YOU GET A LITTLE MONEY,

THEY COULD OUT OF THE WOODWORKLIKE,

"OH, MY GOD,YOU HAVE SOME STUFF?

"CAN YOU BUY ME SOME STUFF?

I WANT SOME STUFF TOO."

THEN THE SECOND YOU GO BROKE,

"OH, MY GOD,I LEFT SOMETHING OVER HERE

"NEXT TO THIS GUY.

"HE HAS STUFF.I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU."

[laughter]

COME ON, YOU KNOWWHAT SOLIDIFIED MY ISSUES?

THIS IS WHAT SOLIDIFIED IT.

OKAY, I WAS AT A YANKEES GAMEONE TIME, RIGHT?

AND I'M SITTING, IT WAS,LIKE, THE END OF THE INNING,

AND TINO MARTINEZ CATCHESA FOUL BALL TO END THE INNING.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY ALWAYSTHROW IT INTO THE CROWD?

THERE'S, LIKE,A HUNDRED PEOPLE GOING,

"TINO, TINO, THROW ME THE FLY.THROW ME THE BALL."

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

SITTING RIGHT IN THE FRONT ROW,OF COURSE.

"OH, MY GOD,I HAVE THESE.

"EH, I GET TO SITIN THE FRONT ROW.

WHAT, THIS DOESN'T HAPPENTO EVERYBODY?"

SO THERE'S A HUNDRED PEOPLEASKING FOR THIS STUPID BALL.

HE WALKS RIGHT UP TO HER.

JUST HANDS IT RIGHT TO HER.

DIDN'T FLIP IT.DIDN'T TOSS IT.

HANDED IT RIGHT TO HER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D HAVE TO DOIN MY LIFETIME

TO EVER CATCH A FOUL BALL?

FIRST OF ALL,IT WOULD HAVE TO BE, LIKE,

THE ONE IN A MILLION CHANCETHAT THE BALL

WAS ACTUALLY HIT WAY THE HELL UPWHERE I WAS SITTING

IN, LIKE,THE UPPER, UPPER, UPPER DECK,

WHICH MEANS THE BALLIS GONNA BE COMING IN

AT ABOUT 100, 120 MILES AN HOUR,

SO I GOT TO FIGURE OUT,LIKE, WHICH BODY PART

I'M GONNA SACRIFICETO SLOW IT DOWN,

AND THEN I GOT TO POUNCE ON IT,

CURL UP IN THE FETAL POSITION

AS EIGHT GUYS PUNCH MEIN THE BACK OF THE HEAD,

AND I PRAY TO GODTHAT I CAN HANG ON

UNTIL SECURITY GETS THERE.

AND HE JUST WALKED RIGHT UPAND JUST HANDED HER THE BALL.

SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT WAS.

LIKE, "BASKET?OH, BASEBALL.

"OH, MY GOD,LET ME TAKE THIS HOME

"AND STICK IT NEXT TO MY OTHERUNBELIEVABLE FREE THINGS

"THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE SHELFIN MY HOUSE."

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