Barack Obama: Distracter-in-Chief

July 6, 2016 - Bassem Youssef 07/06/2016 Views: 1,387

After the FBI concludes its investigation into Hillary Clinton's emails, the presidential hopeful enlists President Obama to distract from the controversy. (7:28)

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much. -AUDIENCE(chanting): Larry! Larry!

Welcome to The Nightly Show.

They are correct.They are correct.

I am Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry,Larry, Larry, Larry, Lar...

Our good friend Bassem Youssefis here tonight, you guys.

-(cheering, applause)-I'm so excited.

He good. He good.

He good, y'all, he good.

All right, so, this morning,I'm having a little Morning Joe.

Watching a little Morning Joe

and I had a little momentof "whoa."

Guys, they put together amontage of Hillary's statements

about her e-mailsfrom a year ago

with the FBI director'sstatements from yesterday.

Ooh! Enjoy.

I thought it would be easierto carry just one device.

She also used numerousmobile devices

to send and to read e-mail.

...so that the e-mailswere immediately

captured and preserved.

There was no archivingat all of her e-mails.

There were no security breaches.

It is possible thathostile actors gained access.

There is noclassified materials.

110 e-mails containedclassified information.

Good morning.

Yes.

Good morning.

Oh, my God.

I... If they were that roughon Hillary on MSNBC,

I can't imagine what theywere doing over at Fox, right?

Oh, you know what,I think we have a shot

of the Fox Newscontrol room, actually.

(orchestral music soars)

Mm.

Man, this does notlook good for Hillary, you know.

She needs something bigto distract her

from all this, you know?

And you know what I always say,when you want to distract,

always go black.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God,she was on the Soul Plane?

♪ Go, Hillary,it's your birthday ♪

♪ Go, Hillary

Please join me in welcoming

the Presidentof the United States,

Barack Obama!

Oh, my God,look how happy she is.

I've never seen herso relieved, right?

Yes, the boss is hereto bail you out, Hillary.

I mean, look at that smile.

She's like a YouTube baby

watching a dogpop bubbles, right?

(giggling)

In this analogy,Hillary is the baby.

I just want to clear that up.

Just so you know.Just so you know.

Uh, by the way, that is thegreatest thing on the Internet.

So, yes, despite all thecontroversy

swirling aroundthe ex-secretary of state,

the president took to the mic

and becameher biggest cheerleader.

The bottom line is she wasa great secretary of state.

I don't know if that'sthe bott line.

Right? I...

I mean, we really need to lookat the entirety of her career.

Al Pacino may have beenbrilliant in The Godfather

and Dog Day Afternoon, but sadly,

that's not the bottom line.

I mean, have you seen Jack and Jill?

(bleep) pretty awful.

But the president...but the president forged ahead

and spoke movinglyabout Hillary's

capability for kindness.

I saw how she treated everybodywith respect,

even the folkswho aren't "important."

Folks who aren't "important"?

What's up with that?

"Hillary, uh, you wereso nice to that peasant.

I'm impressed. I'm impressed."

And the bottom line is she hadto do everything I had to do,

but she was like Ginger Rogers--

she had to do itbackwards in heels.

Backwards and in heels?

Actually, that would explainBenghazi and the e-mails,

when you think about it.If she was...

What, am I wrong? It would.

What? Come on.

-(cheering, applause)-No.

But... No, no, no.

But the president made it reallyclear that he is with her.

I have run my last campaign.

And I couldn't be prouder ofthe things we've done together,

but I'm ready to pass the baton.

And I know that Hillary Clintonis gonna take it.

You better (bleep) believeshe's gonna take it.

Oh! Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

You don't have to passthe baton, Mr. President.

In fact, you might want to checkyour pockets right now,

make sure you stillhave the baton.

I ha... What happenedto my baton, you guys?

But you know, you know what,but... I, you know,

I make fun, but I have to sayit's kind of nice

to see them together, you know?They fought so hard in 2008.

Man, you know, I wonderwhat President Obama

really thinks of all this.

Why am I...why am I thinking about it?

Why don't I just call him?

Right? Right?

(cheering, applause)

I mean... I mean, he is my boy.

I'll just usemy special black phone.

-(line ringing)-It-It's a red phone,

but the person on the other endis gonna be black, trust me.

Air Force One, this is Barack.

Hey, Mr. President. Uh,it's Larry Wilmore, your boy.

Oh, hey, Larry.

Uh, I'm just sitting here,uh, not smoking a cigarette.

Right. Right, right, right.

Hey, whatever you say, sir.Okay, so, yesterday

was your first dayof campaigning with Hillary.

So, how'd it go?

It was great.Uh, got up on stage,

uh, waved to the crowd,

-dropped some sick sound bites.-All right.

And then, uh, totally distractedthe American public

from the e-mail to the female,

which is Hillary Clinton.

Oh, nice.I like how you did that.

You've got some rhyme skills,Mr. President.

(short chuckle) No, Larry, I'vegot 197 days left in office.

At this point, if there wereless than zero (bleep) to give,

I'd have that.

Wow.

Really?

Yup. The Hillary folks needed meto serve as distracter-in-chief.

-Uh-huh. -And because of theblood pact I made with Hillary

-in 2008...-Blood pact?

Yeah. To get her to drop out,I had to do my part.

Now I can getmy third child back.

Oh, my... Thir... Third child?

You have...you have a third child?

Exactly.God bless those Clintons.

-Uh-huh?-Say what you want about 'em,

but they know howto honor a blood pact.

Wow.

I had no idea. Okay.

Okay, so, your jobwas to turn America's attention

away from the e-mail story,like, as quickly as possible,

and that's whyyou're stumping for her?

Yup. Americans love jiggly,shiny stuff.

-Uh-huh. -Remember that timeI hosted a beer summit?

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

I was tryingto distract everyone

while we replaced Vice PresidentBiden with an imposter.

-Wha...?!-(laughter)

Oh, my God.He's an imposter?

-This is way aboveyour security clearance. -Oh.

-Oh, okay.-Moving on.

All right, all right.

WOMAN:I'm gonna be president!

Hell, yeah!

Wait. Is Hillary on Air ForceOne with you right now?

Yup. I asked herto leave, and she won't.

(laughter)

It's getting really awkwardin here.

Oh. Oh, my God,she won't leave? Really?

Wha-What is she doing?

I-I think she's measuring stuff.

-Oh!-(laughter)

HILLARY: I can set upmy e-mail server over here!

OBAMA: No. That's what got youin trouble the last time!

HILLARY:Shut up! It's my plane!

OBAMA:She does not listen.

Oh. All right, Mr. President.

Well, good luck with that,and I hope you guys...

I hopeyou guys work things out.

HILLARY:Who are you talking to?!

WILMORE:Larry, I have to go.

Oh, okay.No problem, Mr. President.

Hey, man, you'll always be my...

(click, dial tone)

-Hello? Hello?-(laughter)

Hello?

I never get to finish that linewith him anymore!

President Obama,Secretary Clinton, everybody.

-We'll be right back. Hello?-(applause and cheering)