Lavell Crawford - Be Gone, Satan

Lavell Crawford: Can a Brother Get Some Love? Season 1, Ep 0101 08/12/2011 Views: 22,726

Lavell Crawford explains how his preacher stepfather would sometimes stretch the truth in church. (2:52)

>> I JOKE ABOUT PREACHERS.

MY STEP-DADDY, HE'S A--

MY POPS.

I CALL HIM MY POPS.

MY POPS, YOU KNOW,

HE'S A PREACHER.

HE A GOOD DUDE,

BUT SOMETIMES

HE STRETCHED THE TRUTH

A LITTLE BIT.

HE BE IN CHURCH SOMETIMES

AND HE BE PREACHING.

HE BE SOUNDING GOOD TOO.

LIKE, "I SAW SATAN

THE OTHER DAY.

AND I KNOW WHAT

HE LOOK LIKE."

I WAS LIKE,

"YOU A DAMN LIAR.

I WAS WITH YOU THE OTHER DAY.

WAS I ASLEEP OR SOMETHING?"

YOU KNOW IF YOU SAW

THE DEVIL AND HE SAW YOUR ASS,

HE WOULD HAVE CAUGHT YOU

ON FIRE SOON AS YOU CAME OUT.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"NO!"

[imitating engulfing flames]

AND HE'D HAVE MADE ME

PUT ON A LITTLE-BITTY-ASS

WOOL SWEATER.

[sobbing]

"PLEASE, MR. SATAN...

CAN I GET A SWEATER IN MY SIZE?"

"NO, YOU WEAR THAT MEDIUM

AND LIKE IT."

AND I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL,

'CAUSE I KNOW HELL'S

A BIG-ASS 24-HOUR FITNESS.

THEY WOULD HAVE ME

ON THAT TREADMILL.

"RUN, YOU FAT BASTARD."

"DAH!

CAN I--CAN I GET A SWEATER

IN MY SIZE PLEASE?

CAN YOU GIVE ME

SOMETHING TO EAT?"

"YES, WE HAVE SALADS."

"DAH!"

ONE PREACHER COME SIT UP THERE

AND WAS TALKING ABOUT,

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF THE DEVIL

CAME IN YOUR HOUSE?"

"LEAVE!

WHAT KIND OF STUPID-ASS

QUESTION IS THAT?"

WHAT I'M GON' STAY AROUND FOR?

YOU CAN'T GET THE DEVIL

OUT YOUR HOUSE.

"SHOO, SATAN!

BE GONE, SATAN!"

"YOU GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT."

"OKAY, I WAS LEAVING ANYWAY.

YOU WANT YOUR SWEATER BACK?"

"NO, YOU KEEP THAT

GODDAMN SWEATER."

HELL, I'LL LEAVE IF IT'S

A GHOST IN MY HOUSE.

YOU SEE THEM SHOWS LIKE

GHOST HUNTERS

AND GHOST ACADEMY?

THEY BE LOOKING

AT THE GHOST,

TRYING TO FIND THE GHOST.

THE GHOST BE LIKE,

"GET OUT.

GET OUT!"

"WE HEAR SOMETHING."

WE ALL HEARD IT.

HE SAID, "GET YOUR ASS OUT."

THAT WOULD GET

ON MY DAMN NERVES.

I'M UP IN MY HOUSE,

THE GHOST LIKE, "GET OUT.

GET OUT!"

I SAY, "I HEARD YOU,

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY

THAT SHIT WHEN I WAS

JUST LOOKING AT THE HOUSE?

NOW THEY DONE GOT

MY DAMN DEPOSIT.

I DONE UNPACKED.

YOU WANT ME TO GET OUT, YOU GET

MY GODDAMN DEPOSIT BACK,

YOU PACK ALL THIS SHIT,

AND YOU PAY FOR THE U-HAUL."