- Please welcome Joe DeRosa
- I don't have anypre-show rituals at all.
I'm actually trying to drink healthier now.
'Cos I'm trying to get into shape.
Ladies, stop banging me!
I look in the mirror and I go
"Dude, you're a lump of shit.
You've gotta do something about this".
And then, you bang me and I'm like
"Yeah, fuck it. I'm fine. Whatever."
And I know I'm on the down slide,
'cos my mom hasn't told me I'm handsome
in five years.
A woman walked up to me who looked to be
I guess, in her fifties.
And she said
"Clean comics are funny"
"I respect clean comics"
"You're not funny".
And she goes
"I'm not a comic."
"I'm a hypnotist."
"And I work clean."
I thought all hypnotists were clean.
I don't know what a dirty hypnotist would be.
Like, you're getting sleepy.
You're getting sleepy.
Never mind what I'm doing with my other hand,
just focus on the sleep hand.
I would never have sexwith a 500 pound woman.
Alright? I just wouldn't do it.
But, does that mean that I don't bang fat chicks, people?
I bang 'em all the time!
I'm a pig that takes anymoney they hand to me.
So I thought it would be smart to play a Bar Mitzvah.
And, I was bombing so bad that
a 12 year old kid walked up to me,
the kid whose Bar Mitzvah it was,
and went like this
And I leaned over and he goes
"Stop doing crowd work"
"Stick to your material"
12 year old kid said that to me.
And then another 12 year old kid came up to me and went
These kids are a bunch of fucking assholes.
I wanna do that!
I wanna be a stand up comedian!
I'm really touched to see people here
Alright, and then my mom's here.
I want to say hi to her.
- You're handsome.
- Oh thank you.