I LOVE MOUSTACHES,BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE.
MY WIFE SAYS THEY'RE CREEPY.NOT FAIR, MAN.
I HAD A MOUSTACHE FOR A WEEK.IT WAS SWEET.
IT CHANGEDMY PERSONALITY.
I WANTED TO BUY A HORSE, TORIDE IT INTO SUNSETS, OF COURSE.
[whinnies]
BUT I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERSTHAT OWN HORSES.
THEY'RE LIKE, "DUDE,YOU CAN'T AFFORD A HORSE.
"ALL RIGHT?YOU'RE NOT FINANCIALLY ABLE.
THEY EAT A LOT."
I'M LIKE, "DUDE, "IF ICOULD FEED MY PREGNANT WIFE,
I'M PRETTY SUREI COULD FEED A HORSE."
[crowd jeeringand light applause]
YES, THE GUYS CLAPPINGHAD TO GET A SECOND JOB.
LIGHTEN UP, WOMEN,YOU HAD A HUMAN INSIDE YOU.
GUYS, WE HAVE NO EXCUSEFOR GETTING FAT.
I GAINED 20 POUNDSWHEN MY WIFE WAS PREGNANT,
AND IT WAS 'CAUSE I'M LAZYAND I LOVE BEER.
AND IT SUCKS GETTING FAT,DOES IT NOT?
BECAUSE, LIKE, ALL--YOU KNOW,
YOUR PANTSSTART TO GET TIGHTER,
BUT YOUR BRAIN'S LIKE,"WE'RE COOL.
KEEP EATING FOODWITH NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE."
AND I'M LIKE, "I WILL, BRAIN.I'LL START TOMORROW."
NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M WEARINGSWEAT PANTS TO A WEDDING.
I GOTTA GO TO THE FABRIC STORETO BUY A ZIPPER
TO GLUETO THE FRONT OF THEM,
SO WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"ARE THOSE SWEAT PANTS?"
I'M LIKE, "NO, THEY'RE SLACKS!CAN'T YOU SEE THE ZIPPER?
JEEZ, LOUISE, DUDE,GET OFF MY BACKS."
THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH, MAN.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ENJOY THE PAR-TAY.