RETURN JULY 2014
This man right here, okay?
He... if he looks like a rockstar, it's 'cause he is.
He parties hard.
I know how hard he parties.
Ozo knows how hard he parties.
Let me tell you a story.Um...
After, you know, uh, season oneof Stand-Up Revolution,
we went on tour for a while.
We went all over the U.S.and, uh...
as a gift to all my buddiesthat were on the tour with me,
I gave everybody an iPhone 4S.
Yeah. For a gift.(audience cheers)
Martin was so excited,because it had this feature--
it still has this feature--called Siri,
where you hit the button
and you can talk to the phone,and it'll help you out.
Like you say, "Oh, call John,"
and it's like, you know,ding, ding, "Calling John."
You know, it's really...(audience laughs)
...it's really, really cool.
But Martin...you see how he is.
You know, he messeswith the phone.
He's like, ding, ding,"Siri, tell me something dirty."
(laughter)And the phone takeseverything literal,
so it's like, ding, "Would youlike me to locate a car wash?"
So anyways, you guys,I had a lot of fun
watching him play withthe phone, but then
a couple weeks go by,and, uh, we're doing a show
out in Northern California,in San Jose,
and, um... we had a reallygood time that night,
doing the show,and the people invited us
to hang out, and we hada bunch of drinks, and, uh...
Someone said,"You want to go eat?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And someone said,"You want to go drinking?"
So Martin and I partedways for about an hour,
and then we met upan hour later
back at the, you know,at the hotel,
and I'm walking in okay,and he's gone.
He is just... (moaning)
And somebody's helping him in.I'm like, "Who are you?"
"I don't know, but he fell."You know, and...
dragging him in, and...
He doesn't eventake off his clothes.
He gets into the bedwith everything on,
including his shoes.
So the next morning, you guys...
Martin comes over tomy side of the room,
and he's like, "Bro..."
"Are you okay?"
"Bro, I peed on myself."
And my response was actually,"Again?"
Because he's partiedthat hard in the past.
Martin has partied so hard,
you guys, that there'sbeen times where
he's had to throw awaymattresses.
So I go, "Martin, why are youtaking it so much worse?"
In the past, whenever thathappened, he laughed about it.
"Oh, bro, look what happened.
Party like a rock star!"
He goes, "Bro, you don'tunderstand.
My phone was in my pocket."
(audience laughing, applause)
I go, "No."
He goes, "Yeah.I drowned Siri."