Tom Segura - Extremes of Society

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 50,435

If you hate yourself, your family and your friends, take them on a trip to Atlantic City. (2:39)

[cheers and applause]

LET'S RELAX.

I WAS JUST INATLANTIC CITY,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'REFAMILIAR WITH ATLANTIC CITY,

BUT IF YOU HATE YOURSELF ANDYOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS,

TAKE 'EM TOATLANTIC CITY.

[audience laughing]

IT'S BASICALLY, LIKE,IF LAS VEGAS HAD DIARRHEA,

BUT THEN WHENYOU WENT TO WIPE IT,

YOU DIDN'T USETOILET PAPER.

YOU JUST FOUND,LIKE, OLD CUPS AND...

TORN UP SHOES AND OTHERTHINGS YOU FIND IN A DUMPSTER,

AND THEN YOU WERETO THROW IT DOWN,

AND THEN,IT GREW LIGHTS.

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

THAT WOULD BEATLANTIC CITY.

EVERY GUY'S LIKE, "HEY,YOU KNOW TONY FROM OVER THERE.

"HE SAID HE MIGHT WANNA GO OVERTO THE THING AND YOU KNOW."

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"FIRST OF ALL,

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ONA SHIRT-- ALL RIGHT.

"LIKE, LET'SSTART THERE."

AND THEN EVERYGIRL EITHER HAS

BLONDE HAIRWITH BLACK STREAKS

OR BLACK HAIRWITH BLONDE STREAKS,

WHICH EITHER WAY SAYS,"I DON'T HAVE A GAG REFLEX."

YEAH.

[audience laughing]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ATLANTIC CITYDOES HAVE A LOT OF...

CASINOS, YEAH.

OH, BOY, WHATA TREAT THAT IS.

I LOVE CASINOS, 'CAUSE CASINOSARE ONE OF THE LAST VENUES

WHERE YOU CAN SEE THE EXTREMESOF SOCIETY IN ONE PLACE.

WHERE ELSE CANYOU GET THAT?

REHAB?

THE ZOO?

CASINOS--GO TO A CASINO.

YOU CAN SEE A MANON THE CASINO FLOOR.

HE'S IN A SUITAND HE'S DRINKIN' SCOTCH.

HE'S PUTTIN' A FEW THOUSANDDOLLARS DOWN ON A HAND.

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"YEAH, DUDE,

"I CAN SEE WHY YOU'RE HERE--YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE."

AND THEN, RIGHT NEXT TO HIM,YOU SEE ANOTHER GUY,

AND HE'S WEARING JEAN SHORTSAND A SLEEVELESS SHIRT,

AND HE'S GOT FOUROPEN WOUNDS ON HIS FACE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"YEAH, I CAN SEEWHY YOU'RE HERE, TOO.

"YOU SEEM LUCKY."

[audience laughing]

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