John Heffron - The Oldest

CC Presents: John Heffron Season 11, Ep 2 01/12/2007 Views: 10,066

John's younger brother had a trick to get John in trouble. (2:41)

THE BIG BROTHER OR THE BIG SISTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CLAP IF YOUGREW UP THE YOUNGEST,IF YOU GREW UP THE BABY.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - ALL RIGHT.

I'D ASK ABOUT THE MIDDLE KID BUTNO ONE CARED ABOUT YOU ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE ADULTS, GET OVER IT, DUDE. AH.

I GREW UP THE OLDEST. I FEEL SORRY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO GREW UP THE YOUNGEST.

THOSE OF YOU GREW UP THE BABIES IN YOUR HOUSE,

YOU GUYS GOT PUSHED DOWN A LOT, MAYBE SOMEBODY DID THAT TO YOU.

OR MAYBE YOU WERE FOLDED UP INTO THE FOLD-UP COUCH.

YOU KNOW? WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT, MA?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU LOOK PRETTY TIRED. WHY DON'T YOU LAY DOWN FOR A SECOND?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T CARE HOW BIG YOU TURNED OUT AS AN ADULT,

IF YOU GREW UPTHE BABY IN YOUR HOUSE,YOU'RE REALLY FLINTCHY.

LIKE, IF ANYBODYMOVES TOO QUICK AT YOU,

YOU'RE LIKE HEY-- WHOA. WHOA.

WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND? SHOW ME WHAT'S IN YOUR HAND.

I'M NOT WALKING OVER YOU. I'M NOT WALKIN'--

IS THAT WATER? I CAN'T GET WET. I'LL GET AN EAR INFECTION. SO--

THOSE OF YOU WHO GREW UP THE BABIES, THOUGH,

YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY SMART 'CAUSE YOU DID THINGS

TO YOUR OLDER BROTHERS OR SISTERS TO GET THEM IN TROUBLE.

THEN IF THEY WEREIN TROUBLE OR GROUNDED,

THEN THEY COULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU. IT WAS GENIUS, RIGHT?

HERE'S WHAT MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD DO.

NO MATTER WHAT WE WERE DOING TO HIM, HE'D ALWAYS JUST YELL,

- "I CAN'T BREATHE!" - [LAUGHTER]

LIKE, NO MATTER WHAT, HE'S GOING, "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

LIKE, I COULD BEHOLDING ON TO HIS ANKLE. "I CAN'T BREATHE."

[LAUGHTER]

SO MY DAD WOULD USUALLYGROUND THE KID

CLOSEST TO THE KID CRYING.

IT WAS A SUCK SYSTEM. RIGHT?

SO TO PROTEST MY GROUNDEDNESS--

IF THAT'S A WORD, I DON'T EVEN KNOW--

I WOULD CLOSE MY BEDROOM DOOR.

YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE TWANGYDOOR JAMMY THINGIE THAT YOU HAVE

ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR DOOR? I WOULD LAY THERE AND FLICK IT,

- ALL DAY. - [TWANGING NOISES]

MY DAD'S LIKE "KNOCK IT OFF IN THERE!!"

- [TWANGING CONTINUES] - [LAUGHTER]

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, GROUND ME? I'M ALREADY GROUNDED.

[TWANGING]

WHY'D I GET IN MY ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE DONE?

[TWANGING NOISES]

OUR CAT HAS HER PAW IN THERE TRYING TO--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY LITTLE BROTHER WOULD COME STICK HIS FINGERS

UNDERNEATH THE DOOR."I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE!"

GRAB A HOLD OF HIS FINGERS."OH! I CAN'T BREATHE!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]