Rory Albanese - Phone Centers

  • Season 14 , Ep 13
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 8,887

Rory Albanese describes his plan for exposing Indian operators with fake American accents. (4:19)

ONE THING I DO KNOWABOUT THE ECONOMY

IS -- IS -- IS SOMETHINGI'VE READ INTO A LITTLE BIT

AND -- AND -- AND STUDIED UP ONIS -- IS -- IS OUTSOURCING.

IT'S THE ONE FACET OFTHE ECONOMY THAT I'M AWARE OF.

AND I KNOW ABOUT THISBECAUSE THEY'RE TAKING OUR JOBS

AND PUTTING THEM OVERSEAS,SPECIFICALLY TO INDIA, OKAY?

AND THOMAS FRIEDMAN, WHO WRITESFOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES" --

I KNOW, SHOCKING.FRIEDMAN FOR "THE TIMES," HUH?

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FRIEDMAN UNCOVERED SOMETHINGABOUT OUTSOURCING

THAT BOTHERED ME MORE

THAN THE FACTTHAT THEY'RE STEALING OUR JOBS,

AND IT'S SIMPLE, IT'S THIS --

IT'S THE FACT THAT --AND THIS IS TRUE --

THEY'RE TEACHING PEOPLE IN INDIATO SPEAK WITH AMERICAN ACCENTS.

SO IT'S LIKE, "OH, OKAY,SO YOU'RE GONNA STEAL OUR JOBS,

"AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA LIE TO MEABOUT IT?

[BLEEP] YOU, OKAY?"

NO.I'M OUT ON THAT ONE.

NO WAY, OKAY?

NO WAY, BANK.I'M NOT DEALING WITH THAT.

SO I-I-I-I WATCHEDTHIS DOCUMENTARY HE DID,

AND HE UNCOVERED A WEAKNESSTHAT INDIAN PEOPLE HAVE

WHEN THEY LEARN TO SPEAKWITH AMERICAN ACCENTS, OKAY?

IT'S GONNA SOUND RACIST,BUT IT'S NOT,

BECAUSE IT'S COMPLETELY TRUE.

IT IS.

FRIEDMAN UNCOVEREDTHAT PEOPLE IN INDIA

HAVE A HARD TIMESAYING THE LONG "OO" VOWEL,

OKAY, WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT.

WORD LIKE "NOODLE."

WHEN I SAY IT,YOU GUYS ARE LIKE,

"MAN, LET'S GO OUTFOR SOME NOODLES TONIGHT.

THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE."

BUT WHEN AN INDIAN PERSONSAYS IT,

THEY SAY "NUDLE" EVERY TIME.

NUDLE, NUDLE.THEY CAN'T DO IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.I DIDN'T MAKE INDIAN PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

I DIDN'T DO IT.I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHO DID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO WHAT I'LL DOIS I'LL CALL MY BANK

AT LIKE 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

A TIME I KNOW NO AMERICANIS PICKING UP THE PHONE, OKAY?

AND I WILL --YOU KNOW, THE GUY PICKS UP.

HE'S LIKE, "HI, THIS IS TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS IS TODD FROM OHIO.HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I'M LIKE,"I AM SO ON TO YOU, TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I KNOW IT'S REALLY LIKEKABIR IN NEW DELHI, YOU KNOW?

BUT THEN I FIGURE, LIKE,I GOT TO BAIT HIM A LITTLE BIT.

I GOT TO PULL HIM IN, YOU KNOW,'CAUSE I WANT TO BEFRIEND HIM

BEFORE I HIT HIM WITH, YOU KNOW,THE JAWBREAKER, YOU KNOW?

THE FATALITYWHERE I PULL OUT HIS HEART.

I'M LIKE [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

"FEAR ME,PEOPLE IN THE PHONE CENTERS."

[ GRUNTS ]

SO AND I'LL DRAW THEM INA LITTLE BIT.

I'LL THROW SOME, LIKE, LOCALREFERENCE TOWARDS HIM, YOU KNOW?

I'LL BE LIKE, "OH,THIS BRETT FAVRETHING'S PRETTY CRAZY."

AND HE'S LIKE, "YES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT THING YOU SAID IS ODD."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH.

I SMELL YOUR FEAR, TODD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I SMELL YOUR FEARTHROUGH THE PHONE --

THROUGH THE PHONE."

AND THEN I'LL, LIKE --I'LL, LIKE, REEL THEM IN.

I'LL GIVE THEM, LIKE,A NICKNAME, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, TODDSTER.HOT TODDY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LET'S DO THIS."

"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TONIGHT,MR. ALBANESE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, TODD, I'D LIKETO CHECK MY ACCOUNT BALANCE."

"OKAY, SIR.CAN I HAVE YOUR HOME ADDRESS?"

"SURE CAN, TODD.

"TODDY LITTLE DING-DANG.[ CHUCKLES ]

WE'RE SUCH GOOD PALS NOW."[ LAUGHS ]

"AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE, SIR?"

"I LIVE AT 142."AND HERE'S THE TRICK.

WHEN YOU DO THIS TONIGHT --

AND YOU WILL,'CAUSE IT'S ADDICTIVE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...YOU HAVE TO MAKE SUREYOU CALL A PLACE

THAT HAS THE PROTOCOL WHERETHEY REPEAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

'CAUSE IF THEY DON'T,IT WON'T WORK.

MOST OF THEM DO, BUT JUSTHANG UP IF THEY DON'T DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CHANGE BANKS.THAT'S WHAT I DID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO -- SO HE SAYS, "ALL RIGHT.HOME ADDRESS?"

"NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW,TODD MUFFIN.

"I LIVE AT 142 -- THAT'S 142 --

EAST -- EAST POODLE STREET."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M SORRY, SIR.WHAT STREET WAS THAT?"

"OH, NO PROBLEM, TODD.THAT'S P-O-O-D-L-E.

"IT'S A LITTLE, CRAPPYWHITE DOG, YOU KNOW?

"SURE YOU HAVE THEMOUT THERE IN WISCONSIN

OR WHEREVER IT IS YOU'RE FROM."[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE SAYS,"YES, SIR, OF COURSE WE DO.

THAT'S 142 PUDLE STREET."

AND I GO, "YEAH,MOTHER[BLEEP] YEAH!"

AND THEN IT'S, "U.S.A.!"AND I HANG UP THE PHONE.

BOOM!

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