(Ari)Ladies and gentlemen,a very funny woman.
Ms. Iliza Shlesinger, everybody.Let her hear it.
[cheers and applause]
Because I fly so much,
I have a rule, and that is:
never talk to the person sittingnext to you on an airplane.
This rule instated after
I shared a lovely hour-longflight to San Jose with a woman
who just pretty much spentthe whole time telling me
why Jews are the source ofall the problems in the world.
So I never talk tothe people sitting next to me.
And I was flying homeabout a year ago
and a boy sat next to me.
He was about my age, clean cut.
He started chatting,and he seemed normal.
So, I asked him about himself.
I'm like,"Tell me about yourself."
He's like,"Well, my name is Brian.
I work at a hedge fundand I went to Yale."
I was like, "Okay, nerd alert."
And he was like,"Tell me about yourself."
I was like, "My name's Iliza,I'm a standup comedian,
and I struggle with beingattractive, yet accessible."
So, over the next couple weekswe kind of became friends.
We stayed in touch.We'd hang out a lot.
And I liked him.I liked his personality.
He was a hard worker,
Irish American,hard worker, smart.
And it became clearthat he had a crush on me.
He would always tryto buy me drinks,
always buy things to impress me.
He bought a house at one point.
Not for me, but he bought one.
I never went over,'cause I didn't want to,
you know,see him with his shirt off
'cause I could tell thathis body was unacceptable.
And I think it bothered him thatI didn't have a crush on him.
And I was like,let me explain it to you.
I am a seven without makeup,
and you are a four with money.
Those are the numbers,crunch them as you will.
So, one dayhe called me and he was like,
"We can't hang out today.
My mother has beendiagnosed with cancer."
I stopped dead in my tracksand for some reason,
something in my heart opened up
and all I wanted to dowas take care of him.
This is a manthat had done nothing
but be kind to me,and be sweet to me.
So, I was like,"What do you want to do?
"Can I take you somewhere?Can I take your mom somewhere?
"You want to cry?I'm crying right now.
"That's a weirdchemical imbalance,
but I feel bad for you."
I just wanted tobe there for him.
And over the nextcouple of weeks,
I started tofall in love with him.
And we dated for about a weekand things were great.
And then things got weird.
My mom called me one day.
[hoarse voice, New York accent]"Eliza.
I Googled your boyfriend."
Incidentally, my motheris Selma, from The Simpsons.
"And on his company bio,it doesn't say he went to Yale.
It says University of Ohio."
Fine institution,but it ain't Yale.
So, I called my boyfriend.I was like,
"Why doesn't it say Yale?
"You talk about Yaleall the time.
"You seem pretty proud of it.
Why doesn't it say iton your bio?"
He was like, "Oh, my God.If you saw the way
"things were runat this company, it's a mess.
It's a nightmare.I'm leaving anyway."
And I was like, "Totally.I got it.
[Bleep] the man, yeah,I got it."
People mess up my bioall the time.
Sometimes they don't put winnerof Last Comic Standing.
Sometimes they put winnerof America's Next Top Model.
Do I correct it?No.
I just let audiences bedisappointed
with my lack of facial symmetry.
I was like, "All right, well,I'm gonna make you
"some cupcakes.I'm gonna bring them
"to your house.I haven't seen it yet.
This is gonna be fun."He's like, "Well, bring them
to my office."I was like, "No, I'll bring them
"to your house.Your office is on the,
ugh, West Side."So...
He gives me the address, and asI'm driving toward his house,
I'm noticingit's not in Beverly Hills,
which is where he saidhe bought a house.
It's in Hollywood.And as I pull up,
I notice it's not so mucha house as it is a duplex.
So, thinkingI've made a mistake,
I go up to the windowand I look in.
Looking for context clues.
Looking for some things of his,Yale context clues, right?
Plaid, mallards, pennants,minorities chained to a window,
And none of that was in there.
And before I could leave,a girl opened the door.
And we locked eyes and she goes,
I was like, "Who are you?"She goes, "I'm Mary.
I'm Brian's roommate."
I was like, "Hm."
So I call my boyfriend.
And I was like,"What's up, bro?
What's up with the roommateand non-house?"
He was like, "Um, okay.
"This is weird,but I have a house.
"Um, my mom lives in it whileshe undergoes cancer treatment.
"And I don't bother her becausewe don't really get along
and I want to give herher space."
And I was like,"I totally get that.
But I need to knowwhere you [bleep] live."
So, he comes over and he goes,
"Here's my address.Here's my mom's phone number.
"You have everything.
"I just ask that you respect--
basically a woman's dying wishit to be left alone."
And I was like, "Fine, doubledog dare me not to be crazy.
I'll take that bet.Fine."
So, a couple weeks go by,I let it lie.
I'm on my way to the airportto fly to a gig
and my mother calls me.
"I calledthe Yale registrar's office.
"They have no recordof your Brian
ever having attended Yale."
So my first thought is,
"Maybe they misspelled Brianover there at Yale.
"Maybe they wrote Brain.
Maybe they made a mistakeand he did go there."
So I hang up.I call my boyfriend.
And on my way to calling him,
it's ringingand I decide to take out
that piece of paperthat had his address on it.
The one I was toldto stay away from.
And I drive by that housein Beverly Hills.
And I'm about to get outand knock on the door
or something just to botherhis mom for a second,
and I see a black familycome out with their kids,
load them into the van.
Now, Brian is Irish,but he wasn't black Irish.
So, I call him.
He picks up and I was like, "Youare lying about many things.
"I don't know what they are, but I'm not signing up
for the next round of this.I'm out of here."
And that's whenit all came crashing down.
"I can't do this anymore.
"I didn't go to Yale.
"And I never bought a house.
"I just said it to impress you.
My mother doesn't have cancer."
Right?You've never been more annoyed
that someonedoesn't have cancer.
So, for the last six or--
For the lastsix or seven months,
I've really wrestled with this.It's a traumatic thing,
and I've really tried tofigure out a spiritual meaning.
Some sort of life lessonI can extrapolate from this
and use in a healthy wayfor the rest of my life.
And after all is said and done,the life lesson I've learned is,
Never talk to the person sittingnext to you on an airplane.
Actually,if we have time for this,
I think I've also taughta life lesson.
And that is, if you're gonnamess with someone
because you're a crazy person,
try not messingwith a standup comedian
who has access toa national television show.
Go [bleep] yourself,Brian [bleep].
[cheers and applause]