Jack Whitehall - Mr. Perfect

  • Season 15, Ep 8
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 4,522

With Facebook you can find people who didn't want to have sex with you in school. (2:20)

- Started at school.

Started at school, yeah.

Oh, my P.E. teacherat school,

I hated the man.

His name was Mr. Walton.

He was from South Africaand he was a lumbering hulk

of protein shake andunresolved childhood issues

which he took out on meevery single week.

I hated him!

And he'd always used totry and humiliate me

in front ofthe rest of the class.

I can remember once,he was shouting at me,

trying to make melook like an idiot.

I'm quitea sensitive soul.

I couldn't hack it.

Eventually, I flipped.

He's like,"Go on, Jack.

"Push yourself, bro!

"Look at my body, Jack!

"How do you think I gotto where I am today?"

"I don't know,oppressing black people?"

[audience laughing]

I did notenjoy school.

I did not like itone bit.

But I always think,right, yeah,

if-if we got people in tonight,people watchin' at home,

that did notexcel at school,

there was onevery important thing

that we must allhold onto, yeah...

and that isat every school,

all over the world,in every class,

there was alwaysthat one person

that is betterthan everyone else.

They got intoall the sports teams.

They did reallywell in exams,

had a lovelygirlfriend.

Mister perfect,the one everyone resents

and wants to be.

You can hold ontothe fact, yeah,

that although they werereally good at school,

in later life, they willhave made their mistakes,

they will havescrewed things up...

and now with Facebook,

you can findthe bastard!

You can hunt him down andlook at his photographs

and realize,"Oh, yeah,

"you were misterperfect in school,

"but now someone's put ona little bit of weight.

"Now someone'slost their job

"and they're sleepingin the back of their car.

"So [deleted] you,Robbie Westlake!"

[audience laughing]

And it's notjust them!

Not just them!

You can also find peoplethat didn't want to have sex

with you at school.

They rejected youat school

because they were betterthan you at school.

And you can hunt them downon Facebook as well...

and you can look throughall of their photographs...

and do what us pervertslike to refer to as

"The revenge wank."

"Yeah, you didn't wannahave sex with me at school!

"How do you like it now,Robbie Westlake!"

[audience laughing, applauding]

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