Kristen Schaal - The Taintologues Pt. 1

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 27,159

Kristen Schaal wrote 48 monologues about another body part we're ashamed of. (2:36)

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San Fran, you arein for a treat tonight.

- Yeah!

- Yeah, I promisedI would deliver

two monologues,and I am going to.

How many peoplein this room

have seen The Vagina Monologues?

[cheers and applause]

I mean,is this a cast reunion?

Yes, it is.

I thought so.

San Francisco,I thought so. Oh...

I love The Vagina Monologues so much.

For the first time, someone hasgiven a voice to vaginas.

And when I watched it,I was like,

[sighs]"That is so inspiring."

And there areso many other body parts

that we're ashamed of.

And that is whyI wrote The Taintologues.


I wrote 48 Taintologues,just like,

on a tear, just like--

just flowed out of me.

And you know what?

I bet youthere's at least half of you

that are sitting realuncomfortable right now,

real still, just tryingto keep a cool face,

'cause you're like,"I don't know what a taint is."

That's yoursecret inside, okay?

And that's whyI'm doing this work.

Because beforeI'm through tonight,

[chuckles] oh, yes,you will know what a taint is.

I'm gonna educate America.

[cheers and applause]


So, this first monologueis called,

"My Taint is a Phoenix."

Thank you.

My taint is tiny.

It's special, it's mine.

You can steal my heart,

but you're nottaking my taint.

You can rip apartmy dignity,

but my taintwill remain intact.

You can do me in the anus,

but just you tryto penetrate my taint.

I hold ontomy taint fiercely,

because you can't have it!

[cheers and applause]