If you see me adoringly lookat my beer throughout my set,
it's because I have
my set list on the back.
I'm a really bad comic.
I... I... I am.
that you have to watch me.
And, um...but I can't remember.
I can't remember anything.
So I have to write iton the back.
And so throughthe set I'll be like...
And I'm like... it looks likeI'm in love with my beer like,
What trouble are we goingto get into tonight?
Drunk alone trouble?
At home again, falling asleepto Stand By Me.
For the 30th time this month.
a way to get your self-esteemup at a bar is, all right,
who here, gay or straight,have been to a gay bar?
Yeah. A lot more girlsare clapping than guys.
'Cause girls like to go becausethey like to dance.
And there's a lot of dancingat gay bars.
And like sometimes I'll behanging out with some girls--
they're like,"Let's go to a gay bar."
I'm like, "Whatever you say."
I'm not in a positionto tell them no.
And so like we'll goand I'll be hanging out
and like, it's weird
'cause you get so manyrandom compliments.
Being like a guy like meat a gay bar.
And like... or just any guyI think.
It's not... it's not malicious,it's not in a sexual way.
You know, like a guywill come by
and he's like,"Hey, nice sweater."
I'll go, "Wow, thank you."
He's like,"Well, see you later. Bye."
Hey, I do dress pretty cool.He's right.
Oh, wow, I feel pretty good.
So what I want to do, is I wantto start pre-drinking
at gay bars during happy hour.
You know, just have
a couplecheap drinks, you know,
get compliments from the fellas.
You know, start feeling goodbefore you go out
to, you know, a straight barand hit on girls
with your newfound self-esteem.
You just got to be... you gotto be careful though.
You don't want to, you know,drink yourself
into some new sexual lifestyle.
Or maybe you do,I don't know.
You know what?
is having a lot of fun,
but at the same time, anytimeanyone ever goes out
you notice that everyonecalls it a meat market.
Anytime anyone goes out,bars, clubs, restaurants--
it's always a meat market.
Everyone's always checkingeveryone else out.
You know,sizing everyone else up,
and seeing how they look and howthey could be with them.
But, like, you know, especiallyat bars--
no one ever talks about
like, when the bars close, like,
there's like a sweet meat marketsidewalk sale, you know.
Everyone's just drunkand on the sidewalk
looking for something--anything.
And you pretty muchjust need a barker and just,
come on, 50% off...your standards.
Come on, you won't carehow chubby...
uh, I live in a little placecalled Hollywood, California.
Yeah, I'm embarrassedto say that.
As much as you would think I am.
It's a horrible place.
But the best part is the little,little fun things
you get to experience alongthe way of living there
where you get to run into likethese random celebrities.
They're just walking aroundand like, I remember one time
I ran into Dan Ackroyd.
I was like, oh, my God,Dan Ackroyd!
This is awesome.
Like early Saturday Night Live days.
And I got really excitedand I went up to him.
But he got angry at me whenI asked for his autograph.
And I think it's because I askedhim to sign it
"The old Dan Ackroyd."
Can you put "circa '75"?
I don't got a time machine,dude, sorry.