Hannibal Buress - Debit Card Stolen

Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace Season 1, Ep 101 05/20/2012 Views: 12,481

Fraud prevention somehow managed to neglect the fact that Hannibal Buress isn't the type of guy to go on a knowledge binge. (2:16)

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I LOST MY DEBIT CARD RECENTLY.

I HAD FIVE CHARGES ON ITBEFORE I CAUGHT IT.

FIRST CHARGE, $30,CHUCK E. CHEESE.

WHO GOES TO CHUCK E. CHEESE

AS SOON AS THEY FINDA DEBIT CARD?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

"HEY, I JUST FOUND THISDEBIT CARD.

"WHO'S UP FOR SOMEHORRIBLE PIZZA AND WHAC-A-MOLE?

"LET'S GO RIGHT NOW.

"WHO'S UP FOR FLAT PEPSIAND AIR HOCKEY?

"LET'S GET IT WHILE WE CAN.TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.

THIS DUDE IS ABOUTTO CANCEL THIS, Y'ALL."

FIRST CHARGE, CHUCK E. CHEESE.

SECOND CHARGE,$170 AT TARGET.

THIRD CHARGE, $300 AT WALMART.

FOURTH CHARGE, $18 ON GAS.

FIFTH CHARGE...CHUCK E. CHEESE AGAIN.

WHAT TYPE OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH FUNTHE FIRST TIME?

DID MY CARD GET STOLENBY A NINE-YEAR-OLD

OR BY SOME HORRIBLE,BROKE FATHER

WHO CAN FINALLY TAKE HIS KIDSOUT WITH MY MONEY?

I HOPE THEY HAD A HORRIBLE TIMEON THE SECOND OUTING,

HOPE THE PIZZA MADEHIS FAMILY SICK,

AND I HOPE HIS KIDSNEVER LEARN TO READ.

[laughter]

THEN ANOTHER TIME MY CARDGOT STOLEN,

SOMEBODY WAS CHARGING UPCRAZY STUFF IN CALIFORNIA.

I LIVE IN NEW YORK.

TWO SEPARATE $400 CHARGESAT BARNES & NOBLE.

WHO BALLS OUT OF CONTROLAT BARNES & NOBLE?

WHO'S EVER SPENT MORE THAN80 BUCKS THERE?

AND I HATE VISAFRAUD PREVENTION

FOR NOT KNOWING I'M NOTTHE TYPE OF GUY

TO SPEND $800 IN 30 MINUTESON BOOKS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL MEAND CHECK THAT ONE OUT?

"WELL, WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WENTON A KNOWLEDGE BINGE."

"NAH.

"NO, I DIDN'T GO ONA KNOWLEDGE BINGE.

"THAT WASN'T ME.WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

"YOU KNOW WITH YOUR WHOLE HEARTTHAT WASN'T ME.

"I REALLY WISHYOU WOULD HAVE CALLED ME,

'CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU CALL MEFOR SOME OF THE SILLIEST STUFF."

"HEY, MR. BURESS,IT'S FRAUD PREVENTION JUST DOING

"A COURTESY CALL.

"I WANTED TO VERIFY THIS$3 CHARGE ON BREAD

TWO BLOCKS AWAYFROM YOUR HOUSE."

[laughter]

"YEAH, THAT WAS ME SPENDING$3 ON BREAD

"TWO BLOCKS AWAYFROM MY HOUSE,

"BUT THAT WASN'T ME SPENDING$800 ON BOOKS

ACROSS THE [bleep] COUNTRY."

THEN A $600 CHARGEAT BED BATH & BEYOND,

SO I KNOW I WAS DEALINGWITH A WOMAN.

THAT LUFFA-BUYING [bleep].

HOW MANY BODY WASHESDOES SHE NEED?

HOPE THE SHEETS GAVEHER FAMILY BEDBUGS,

AND I ALSO HOPE HER KIDSNEVER LEARN TO READ.

AND IF HER KIDS ALREADY KNOWHOW TO READ,

I HOPE THEY FORGETHOW TO READ.

THEN THEY CAN'T GET USAGE OUTOF $800 WORTH OF BOOKS.

AND I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALLTIGHTENED UP

WHEN I CALLEDTHAT WOMAN A [bleep],

BUT SOMEBODY STEALMORE THAN $1,000 FROM ME,

I'LL CALL 'EMWHAT THE [bleep] I WANT.