Annie Lederman - Camp Crush - Uncensored

Nostalgia 04/05/2016 Views: 2,727

After Annie Lederman left the camp she went to as a preteen, she thought she'd never see her crush again -- but she was wrong. (15:04)

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- And I'm, like, about to cry,and he's just like, "Hold on.

"I'm getting marriednext weekend in Pennsylvania,

"and he'll be there.

Why don't you crash my weddingand fuck Mark Parker?"

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

- Hello, everybody.

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host Ari Shaffir,

and today all the storiesare about nostalgia.

[cheers and applause]

You guys'll absolutely love her.

Please give it up for MissAnnie Lederman, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- My story is aboutmy happy place.

You know,we all have that happy place

that we can go back towhenever we're in dark times,

that place from our childhoodthat just brings us back,

you know,makes us feel happy.

My happy place was Camp Swatara,

my Quaker camp that I went toin upstate Pennsylvania.

And I remember, like,when my dad and my mom

would put me in the car,and they'd drive me up.

I remember the butterfliesI'd get when I started to get--

we'd approach, you know,the entrance.

And they would drop me off, andit was just, like, so amazing.

There was just, like,

bonfires and friendshipbracelets and fucking dreams.

Like, I rememberthe pizza bagels,

like, every single thingabout it.

And then there was Mark Parker.Um...

Oh, he was just, like,the cutest counselor ever.

He was so hot.

He had an eyebrow ring.

He knew, like, every lyricto every Dave Matthews Band song

that you know he playedon acoustic guitar

at every fucking bonfire.

And he could fuck upa hacky sack.

Like, he was just...he was so hot.

Like, I was, like,I didn't even know what--

why my underwear was wet.

I just knew that,like--

I knew two thingsabout that underwear,

that my mom had writtenmy name in it,

and that it was soaking wet.

I was, like, Baby Horny.

I was like, "What are you?I love you, these feelings."

Ugh, and all the counselorswere so cool,

and I fucking loved that camp.

Um, camp did notlove me back as much.

I was just completely invisible,not cool at all.

Like, when you got older,when you were, like, 13, 14,

they would start--the counselors would start

to wake up the cool girlsat night and, like,

bring them out to smoke weedand drink.

And so I would--they would,like, wake me up.

I'd be like,"Hello. Yes?"

And they were like,"Do you mind moving over?

Sarah's getting down."

And when you graduatefrom the camp at 14,

you can apply to bea counselor,

and all I wanted in my lifewas to be a counselor.

I mean, they were, like,living the dream.

They were just, like,so awesome.

And I was, like, I--you know,

I would love to bea camp counselor

at Camp Swatara,but I'm not gonna get the job,

so I never applied,because I was, like, I--

you know,I can't handle that rejection.

It'll be too deep,you know?

So instead,I graduated from Camp Swatara,

and since I couldn't,you know,

smoke weed and drinkwith the counselors,

I decided to just, like,go back to Philadelphia

and just smoke and drinkwith real criminals,

and I just became, like,a horrible juvenile delinquent

and was just stealing cars.

Like, my life just, like...[whistles]

went completely downhillfrom there.

So I went to somereally dark times

and really struggledwith alcoholism and drugs

and really got fucked up,

and I remember a momentjust staring into a mirror just,

like, "What have you donewith your life?

You used to be a camper."

And I wrote in lipstick--I wrote on the mirror--

I wrote,"Remember Camp Swatara,"

and I left it there for,like, years,

like, just years and years,I never cleaned that mirror,

and I would just look at itin my dark times,

and it would bring me back,and I could really, like,

close my eyes and remember,like, the morning bell,

and I could remember, like,

the pig that they hadat the little farm.

I just rememberedthe tire swings and the zip line

and, like,the lake and everything,

and Mark Parker.

I mean,it was just so incredible.

So then a couple years later,I quit drinking.

I moved to New Yorkto start doing stand-up comedy.

And I am feeling goodabout myself.

And right then on Facebook,

I get an inviteto a Camp Swatara reunion,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God.

"Here's my time to shine.

"Here's my time to show themhow cool I was.

"I wasn't invisible.

"I'm Annie Lederman,

an open mic'erliving in Bushwick."


But I'm just, like,so excited to go,

and I look at it,and I'm working the weekend,

and I can't goto the fucking reunion,

and I'm, like, devastated,and I go out--

before I go out, though,I--

I take the opportunitywhen I realize

that I can't go to the reunionto just friend request

every counselor I ever had,just everyone across the board.

Don't give a fuckif they accept me.

I'm just throwing itout there anyway.

And I go--I go onto the subwayall bummed out,

and I hear--from behind me,

I hear someone go,"Annie Lederman?"

And I turn around, and it'sthis guy, Dan McFarland,

who was one of mycamp counselors,

and I'm like, "Holy shit,"and he's like, "Oh, my God,"

and I'm like--first of all,I'm shocked he remembers.

Like, I can't even believethat he remembers me.

I'm, like,maybe I wasn't invisible.

And he goes,"Annie, this is so crazy

"that I'm running into youright now,

"because I was just talkingto one of the other counselors.

"He was talking aboutyour Facebook.

"He had looked at your Facebook,and he's, like,

was talking about how hotyou are."

And I was like,"Me? Hot?"

I was like, "But who--who was the counselor?"

And he was like,"Mark Parker."

And I was like, "Oh, my God!

Holy shit!"

I was like, "I have wantedto fuck him my whole life.

"Before I knew what fucking was,I wanted to fuck this guy.

"I've measured every guyagainst him.

"I'm in love with him.

"I have loved him every daysince camp.

"Give him to me.

Where is he?Put him inside me now."

And he's like, "Oh, he doesn'tlive in New York anymore,"

and I'm, like, about to cry,and he's just like, "Hold on.

"I'm getting marriednext weekend in Pennsylvania,

"and he'll be there.

Why don't you crash my weddingand fuck Mark Parker?"


And I'm like, "Yes."- Yeah!

- I'm like, "Is Jesus real?"

Like, I'm like,"What is going on?"

I'm like--I mean, fate,fate, fate, fate.

I'm, like, this is just, like,gonna be the best experience,"

so I tell everyone.

Like, I'm going to bodega guys.

I'm going on the subway.I'm stopping homeless men.

I'm like, "Here's a quarter.I'm gonna fuck Mark Parker."

Everyone knows.

I'm, like, this is gonna bethe best day of my fucking life.

Not only was it amazingthat this had happened,

but it's also, like,I was wrong about who I was.

Like, if I had appliedto be a counselor,

like,I might have gotten it.

Like, I may have missedmy fucking opportunity

to livethis fucking incredible life,

because how would he know--like, he wouldn't--

losers don't get stoppedon the fucking subway.

Invisible people don't haveMark Parker saying they're hot.

Like, so I goon his Facebook page,

and I write, like,"You're a CILF,"

and then in parenthesisin case he doesn't get it,

I'm like,"A counselor I'd like to fuck,"

and then I'm like,"That's not enough,"

so then I go on his--into his messages,

and I'm like,"Hey, Mark, let's fuuuuuuck."

And he writes back,like, "Cool.

"Yes, absolutely.

I'm down."

Um, so I pack my fuck bag.

It's just a suitcasefilled with underwear,

obviously no condoms,'cause I can party,

and then I, like, you know,I pull my little suitcase,

and I go in, and I'm just,like, I mean,

I can't even, like,describe to you how I felt.

I'm, like,I can't wait to meet

this fucking handsome-assfucking man.

Like, I just--I justremember him being, like,

so tall and dark and handsome

and, like,amazing and talented

the way he fucking played"Crash Into Me."

I mean...[laughter]

And I'm, like, and just to seeall the counselors in general,

like, to see my heroes again,and I, like, you know, I, like,

but through the door,and it's after the wedding,

because when you crasha wedding,

you don't go for the ceremony.

You go to fuck,obviously.

So I go in, and I look around,and I'm like,

"Who are these old people?

Oh, these are my counselors."

I'm like, "Oh, holy shit."

They're all, like,balding and fat and, like,

pregnant, and I'm, like,

it was like if 1990 froze...

But they got old as fuck.


So I'm, like,it's cool, whatever.

Mark's gonna be hot.

I'm, like,I'm looking for him, right?

And before I can find him,

this woman I've never metcomes up, and she goes,

"Oh, my God.Are you Annie?"

And I'm like, "Uh-huh,"and she was like, "Oh, my God.

Are you Mark's Annie?"

And I'm like,"Well, it's--I guess."

And she was like,"He's so excited you're coming.

He's been talking about youthis whole time."

And I'm, like,that's when I realized

I'm thesecond-most-eventful thing

that's happening at this weddingbesides the nuptials.

Like, everyone's like, "Thisgirl's gonna come to fuck Mark.

"This is amazing.

Mark's getting fucked."

So then, you know,the dork sea parts,

and there he is.

And let me tell ya,he still has the eyebrow ring.


He had, like,those long fingernails

like he still plays guitar,

which by the way, guys,just trim them.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't need to knowwhether I have HPV

from your fucking fingernails.

And I'm just, like, holy shit.

Everything that made him coolin the fucking '90s

makes him sounmotherfucking fuckable now.


Keep in mind, I've quitdrinking at this point.

I'm sober as fuck.

Like, there is no wayto drink him hot.

Like, this is my lot in lifeat this point.

There's no other reasonI'm at this wedding

than to fuck Mark Parker.

Like,I'm there to get it.

And he comes over,and he's like, "Hey, girl."

And I'm like, "Noooooo.

"Oh, he's also gotgay voice?

"Jesus fucking Christ.

I got nothingto work with here."


So I'm like,"All right, I hatch a plan."

I'm like,"I am gonna get him so wasted

"that he passes out,

and it's his faulthe doesn't fuck me," right?

I'm like, "That sucks.I was looking forward to it."

So it's--the plan's working,right?

He's starting to bobblehead.

He's got Cookie Monster eyes,you know.

He's fucking about out.

And I see him.He pops a pill.

And I'm like, "Ambien?"

"No, Adderall, motherfuckers."

So now he's just--he's just there for me, guys.

And I'm, like--and he was,like, so nice you know,

so I had to fuck him.

I had to!

What was I gonna be, like,that's the whole reason I came,

I couldn't be all of a sudden,"I'm not ready.

I'm not ready."

I aggressively was like,"I'm gonna fuck you.

"I'm gonna fuck your dick.

"I don't know if you knowwhat body part I'm gonna fuck.

It's your dick."

Like, at least we'llgo back to his,

like, nice room in this nicebed and breakfast.

No, he didn't havehis own room.

I fucked Mark Parkeron the pullout couch

in another counselor's room.


So the sex was great.

Just kidding,terrible.


At one point,he goes down on me,

and he looks up,and he goes, "Mmm, delicious."

[audience groans]

Like he's making a Yelp reviewof my pussy.


Like, "Mmm, delicious."

Can we both be shot?

Can we be taken out by snipersright now?

Like, someone should dieafter someone says that.

So fucking humiliating.

And I'm just, like,in my own personal Vietnam.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.How do I get out of this?"

So I close my eyes, and I tryto go to my happy place,

but all that's in my happy placeis, "Mmm, delicious."

And I'm like, "God damn it!

"I fucked my happy place.

Oh, my God."

But I, like,after the deed is done

and everything's beenWet-Napped up...


I just, like, go to bed feeling,you know, grossed out.

Like,I ruined camp for myself,

but at least I saved campfor him,

and he now goes to bed knowingthat he's preserved this--

you know, this crushand this relationship

that he's always imaginedhaving too.

So I go to bed a hero,and then I wake up

from those sweet,sweet dreams

to Mark watching me sleep,which is always delightful.

What a way to wake up."Ahh."

My life is in danger,terrifying.

Just to have your mistakesjust right in your face,

like, "Ahh!"

The glisteningfrom the eyebrow ring, great.


So he--you know,he's staring at me, and I go,

"Uh, hello," and he goes,"You know what?

"I was looking at you,watching you sleep,

and I'm realizing, I think I doremember you from camp now."

[audience groans and laughs]

I'm, like, about to cry.

He didn't remember mefrom camp.

Yes, I was invisible.

Yes, I was a loser.

Do you know who I was to him?

Some fucking stranger thatfriend-requested him on Facebook

and then was like,"I'm gonna fuck your dick."

And then I fucked him.

I was just the chickfrom Facebook.

[audience groans and laughs]

So I guess the moralof the story is,

don't rape yourselfwith someone else's body.


And never go backto your happy place.

Don't fuck your happy place.

My only issuewith telling this story

is that Mark is, like,so nice, you know.

He's, like,such a good person.

And I'm just so afraidhe's gonna see this,

you know,and I'm gonna feel so guilty

and have to fuck him again.

You guys,thank you so much.

[dark electronic music]