I think my two favoritethings in the world
are basketballand getting into fights
with celebrities on Twitter.
Those are my two favorite thingsin the entire world. Thank you.
Yeah, those aretwo good interests.
But something really magicalhappened this summer
because, uh, for a few hours,I got into
an amazing Twitter fightwith an NBA basketball player
named Gilbert Arenas.(chuckles)
Some Agent Zero fansin the house.
Um, for those of youwho don't know he is,
he's most famous for gettingsuspended a couple years ago
for bringing a loaded guninto the locker room
and pointing itat his teammates.
Yeah, so, I decided topick a fight
with that guy 'causeI'm a genius.
Basically what happened was,I wrote an article
for this basketball blog,
which is already,how cool am I, right?
So, I wrote this article abouthow Gilbert Arenas
writes all these awful, sexist,misogynistic things
about women on Twitter,
and I guess he read it,'cause a couple hours
after it was posted,he tweeted to his followers,
he just wrote,"Who the hell is Joe Mande?"
Right? And then I wrote back andI was like, "Hi...!"
(laughs)" Hi, Gilbert!Nice to meet you!"
And that started this four-,five-hour long back and forth.
It was just the most amazingthing I've experienced
'cause he just hated me so much,
and he just didn'tknow how to do it.
And so, like, he tweeted me.He was like,
"Joe Mande,I Googled you and saw some
"of your stand-up clips online.
You suck as a comedian."
And I wrote backand I was like, "Oh, all right.
"Well, while you're on Google,you should
"look up your statsfrom last season,
'cause you suck at basketball."(chuckles)
Yeah, he did not like that,
and, like, 20 minutes later,he was like,
"Joe Mande, I see you host acomedy show at UCB Theater
"and tickets are onlyfive dollars.
Hookers charge morefor jokes than that."
And I was like,"All right, but why are you
buying jokes from hookers?"
Like, I don't even know whoyou're making fun of
at this point.
And then an hour later,he quit Twitter.
He just deleted his account.
And that's what'sinteresting about
getting into fightson the Internet,
is that there's never reallya winner,
except in that exact moment,I won. I clearly won,
'cause I'm the best. I'm thebest at being the worst.
I'm the worst.
The end. (chuckles)