Janeane Garofalo - StairMaster Hell

Bob Odenkirk & Janeane Garofalo Season 1, Ep 39 02/24/1992 Views: 10,733

Hell is being sentenced to the StairMaster. (2:27)

OKAY, SOMEBODY EXPLAINGARTH BROOKS?

I'M WILLING TO LISTEN.

I'LL WAIT BY THE BAR OUTSIDE.

IF SOMEBODY'S GOT A GOODEXPLANATION, I'LL WAIT.

AND BILLY RAY CYRUS.

AGAIN, WHAT...

DO YOU KNOW ANYBODYTHAT BUYS BILLY RAY CYRUS?

I DON'T GET IT, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY I'M RIGHTAND SOMEBODY'S WRONG, BUT I...

AND YOU KNOW WHATMY LOT IN LIFE IS?

OKAY, THIS IS THE POINT.

WHEN YOU DIE,APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE

THAT YOUR HELL IS WHATEVERYOUR MIND'S EYE OF HELL IS.

AND UNFORTUNATELY,I'VE COME FACE-TO-FACE

WITH WHAT MY HELL IS, ALL RIGHT?

I AM GOING TO BE SENTENCEDTO THE STAIRMASTER RING

OF DANTE'S INFERNO--

WHERE I HAVE TO GETON A STAIRMASTER

AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAPEMY FEET TO THE PEDALS.

AND THE ONLY MUSIC I GET

IS MICHAEL BOLTON,KARAOKE-STYLE, FROM A...

( laughter )

DRUNKEN SECRETARYON MARGARITA NIGHT

AND THAT'S GOING TO BE IT.

ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

ALL RIGHT, I ADMITI'VE BEEN IN A HEALTH CLUB.

I SO MUCH AM NOT LIKE THATAND I DON'T BUY INTO IT

BUT I ADMIT IT,I'M WEAK SOMETIMES, TOO

AND I JOINED A HEALTH CLUB.

I DON'T GO OR ANYTHING,BUT I DID JOIN

AND I REALIZE THATSTAIRMASTER TIME IS, IN FACT

THE SLOWEST INCREMENTOF TIME KNOWN TO MAN.

IT JUST HANGS THERE.

AND IF I HEAR ONE MORESTUPID CONVERSATION

IN THE WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOMABOUT FOOD-RELATED ISSUES

I'M GOING TO HAVETO SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THE HEAD.

AND LAST NIGHT I WENTTO A BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THIS ISN'T A JOKE,BUT I GOT TO SAY IT.

IT'S LIKE A HENRY JAGLOM FILM.

LAST NIGHT I WENTTO A BIRTHDAY PARTY

AND THIS GIRLBROUGHT A CHEESECAKE

AND THE OTHER GIRLS--I SWEAR TO GOD, ALL NIGHT LONG:

"THAT CAKE'S NOTSTAYING IN THIS HOUSE!"

LIKE IT'S THIS EVIL HOPE DIAMOND

NUCLEAR, HORRIFYING,CURSED THING.

"THE CAKE IS NOT STAYINGIN THIS HOUSE!

"SHE'S ALONE IN THE HOUSEWITH THE CAKE!

"IT'S IN THE HOUSE!

DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!"

IT'S LIKE THIS HORRIBLEHORROR FILM

OF THE CAKE IN THE HOUSE.

GET CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER IN THEREAND AGAIN, BOX OFFICE GOLD.

FAT IS EVIL, IT'S EVIL.

IF YOU'RE AN OVERWEIGHTWOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY

YOU ARE DIRT,AND YOU WILL BE CONDEMNED

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN EYESORE.

WHERE'S THE JOKE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST PISSED RIGHT NOWBECAUSE...

( cheering and applause )