I RIDE AROUND A LOT IN
THE SOUTH.
I'VE TOURED ALL OVER AMERICA.
I'VE BEEN IN ALL THE STATES.
LAST FALL I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF
NOWHERE, I'M RIDING AROUND
NORTH CAROLINA, VIRGINIA.
I'M SO FAR IN THE MIDDLE OF
NOWHERE THAT I'M HITTING "SEEK"
ON THE CAR RENTAL RADIO,
YOU KNOW, AND IT'S GOING
SHOO, SHOO, SHOO,
SHOO, SHOO, SHOO!
RIGHT?
SO I GO TO AM BECAUSE I KNOW
I'M IN THE SOUTH AND
IT'LL STOP ON AM.
IN THE SOUTH IT'LL STOP
1100 TIMES ON AM.
[LAUGHTER]
RIGHT, YOU DON'T GET A LOT OF
VARIETY.
YOU EITHER GET ONE OF
TWO THINGS.
YOU EITHER GET...
[IMITATING BANJO MUSIC]
OR "AND JESUS SAID..."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
SO THIS PARTICULAR DAY I GET
SPORTS TALK.
AND I USUALLY DON'T LISTEN TO
SPORTS TALK, BUT IT WAS BETWEEN
COUNTRY AND JESUS SO THAT WAS MY
ONLY CHOICE.
AND SO THERE WAS A NASCAR RACE
COMING TO THE AREA, OKAY?
SO, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH
ABOUT NASCAR.
I KNOW THAT MY BROTHER'S LISTEN
TO THE NASCAR ON THE RADIO
THAT'S HOW SAD THEIR LIVES ARE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND AH-- YEAH, IF YOU THINK
GOLF ON TELEVISION'S TOO
EXCITING FOR YOU, EVERYBODY,
GO AHEAD KICK IT ON UP A NOTCH
AND PUT A LITTLE NASCAR ON THE
RADIO.
[LAUGHTER]
NOTHING WILL SEND YOU TO
DREAMLAND ANY QUICKER THAN
FOUR SOLID HOURS OF...
[SOUND OF ENGINES ROARING]
"THEY'RE GOING LEFT!
[LAUGHTER]
[ENGINE ROARS CONTINUE]
STILL GOING LEFT!"
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
FIRST THING I DISCOVERED IN
NASCAR THAT I DID NOT KNOW.
IN NASCAR WHEN THEY LIKE
SOMEBODY, THEY YELL OUT THE
NUMBER OF THE CAR, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
SO I DON'T KNOW, LIKE IN
OTHER SPORTS YOU GUYS MIGHT SAY,
"GO YANKEES" OR "I LIKE A-ROD"
OR "GO KNICKS" OR WHATEVER,
RIGHT?
THEY YELL OUT THE NUMBER OF THE
CAR.
I DON'T KNOW THIS.
I'M JUST HEARING THE DJ ON THE
RADIO.
I'M IN MY CAR, I HEAR "BOB FROM
CHARLOTTE, YOU'RE ON THE LINE.
BOB, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY?"
"SIX!"
[LAUGHTER]
"NEXT CALLER, DAN."
"FOURTEEN!"
THIS WENT ON FOR LIKE
EIGHT MINUTES.
IT'S LIKE SOME SORT OF INBRED
BASTARDIZED BINGO WAS TAKING
PLACE.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
SO PART OF THE TOUR I HAD
TO STOP AND DO A SHOW AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA,
RIGHT?
AND THEY'RE THE GAME COCKS,
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS
KNOW THAT.
THAT'S THEIR MASCOT, UNIVERSITY
OF SOUTH CAROLINA GAME COCKS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M A SOUTHERN
PERSON, I KNEW THAT.
WHAT THEY LIKE TO DO IS
THEY SHORTEN THIS.
NONE OF THEIR PARAPHERNALIA
HAS GAME COCKS ON IT.
EVERYTHING JUST HAS COCKS
WRITTEN ON IT.
THEY PUT A LITTLE PICTURE OF THE
ROOSTER TO GET AWAY WITH THE
DOUBLE ENTENDRE, AND SO...
RIGHT, SO THEY GOT HATS AND
EVERYTHING.
SO I KNEW ALL THIS.
WHAT I DID NOT KNOW IS THAT
HOMECOMING WEEK, COLLECTIVELY
THE WHOLE WEEK OF WHICH I'M A
PART OF HAS ITS OWN NAME, OKAY?
SO MY SHOW'S OVER.
I'M JUST PART OF THE WHOLE
THINGS.
I'M IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM
TALKING TO THESE STUDENTS.
THIS GUY WALKS UP TO ME AND
HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, THAT WAS
REALLY FUNNY.
ARE YOU STICKING AROUND FOR ALL
OF COCKFEST?"
[LAUGHTER]
I'M LIKE "UHHHH, WENT TO
RED LOBSTER ONCE FOR
LOBSTERFEST.
AND THAT WAS ALL THE LOBSTER
I COULD EAT FOR $11.99.
SOOOOO...
NOOOOO."