You guys drinking?
( audience affirms )Great.
You certainly are. Nice.
So... do it for me;I had to quit.
I had to quit drinking 'causeI got really sick a year ago.
I almost died in the hospital.I really did.
I got double pneumonia.
Do you guys even know whatthat is, double pneumonia?
I didn't, but here's the deal.
See, apparently,pneumonia is when
one of your lungs fills upwith fluid,
and double pneumoniais when God hates you.
It's really bad, yeah.It's bad.
And I had double pneumonia
and I got appendicitisat the same time.
Yeah, they had to takemy appendix out.
And, uh, I got some advice
if it's any single dudesin the room.
If you ever dogo in for surgery,
for whatever reason they wantto put a lot of hot chicks
involved in the surgery process.
There's always like,
hot surgical internsrunning around,
getting your waterand making sure you're peeing.
And you're gonna tryto hit on them
and that's not goingto work at all.
Yeah, see, 'cause you're goingto be lying half naked
on a table with a paper napkinover your giblets.
You're not going laid;it's not going to work.
I don't knowwhat I was thinking.
Like, "Maybe they'll write theirnumber on my ( bleep ) napkin."
I don't know what I thought.
Didn't go well.
I know, that's a no.
They weren't sure what was wrongwith me at first, either.
I was at New YorkPresbyterian Hospital.
That's where they took me.
They had to take me upin the elevators
to get a bunch of x-rays done.
And, uh, I was in the elevator
and noticed they didn't havea 13th floor
in New YorkPresbyterian Hospital.
They have a 12th and a 14th.
No 13th floor,so I asked them about it
and I found out that hospitalsdo not have 13th floors.
Do we really want our hospitalsto be superstitious?
Doesn't that kind of seemlike a bad idea, you know?
It's like, "Well, it looks likeyour wife is gonna pull through.
( knocks wood )"We hope so.
We don't know at all."
( applause )
"Yes, we got the test back.
"Looks like your grandmotherhas diabetes
"or she's a witch,we're not sure.
"We're gonna have to burn heranyway; you don't want that.
"That's really bad.
That's bad news."