I MOVED HERE FROM WASHINGTON,
DC, YOU KNOW?
[CHEERING]
YEAH, DC'S IN THE HOUSE.
OH, YEAH.
IT WAS NICE.
I WAS ALWAYS GROWING UP IN
HIGH SCHOOL I WAS ALWAYS VERY
SHY, YOU KNOW, WITH WOMEN AND
STUFF.
AND IN HIGH SCHOOL THE PLACE
EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WAS
POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN,
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THE BISCUITS
WERE GOOD.
LIKE, YOU COULD BUY WEED WITH
THE BISCUITS, YOU KNOW?
PEOPLE WOULD BE GAMBLING WITH
THE BISCUITS.
"I GOT SIX BISCUITS."
YOU KNOW?
"I GOT TEN BISCUITS."
SO I WENT IN ONE DAY AND THERE
WAS THIS GIRL THAT WORKED THERE
NAMED LUWANDA WHO WAS A
CHEERLEADER.
BUT SHE WEIGHED LIKE 300 POUNDS
SO SHE DIDN'T CHEERLEAD
TOO HARD, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, TWO, FOUR, SIX,
EIGHT, I BE GO GET SOMETHING
TO EAT," YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
AND THAT WAS IT.
SO I ORDERED SOME CHICKEN.
I LOOKED DOWN ON MY PLATE.
THERE WERE LIKE SIX BISCUITS
ON MY PLATE.
AND I WAS LIKE "I DIDN'T ORDER
THESE BISCUITS."
SHE'S LIKE, "IXNAY FREENAY
ON THE BISCUITAY."
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
SHE'S LIKE, "SHHH, TAKE THEM
BISCUITS.
HOOK-UP."
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
SO I DIDN'T REALIZE WITH THE
HOOK-UP THERE'S PAYBACK,
YOU KNOW?
SO I'M WALKING AROUND SCHOOL
THE NEXT DAY.
I HEAR THIS VOICE, "OH, SO NOW
YOU CAN'T TALK TO NOBODY, BODY,
BODY."
AND IT ECHOED LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW?
IT WAS LIKE--
I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA?"
SHE WAS LIKE, "BOY, I GAVE YOU
BISCUITS.
BISCUITS.
WHAT YOU THINK, BISCUITS GROW ON
TREES?
BISCUITS.
B-I-S-- SKITS."
I WAS LIKE-- OH.
[LAUGHTER]
SO I WENT TO CLASS AND SHE TOLD
HER BROTHER, NO-NECK, WHO HAD
NO NECK.
[LAUGHTER]
AND HE CAME UP TO ME.
HE HAD BEATEN UP EVERYBODY IN
SCHOOL.
AND HE CAME UP TO ME AFTER
CLASS.
HE'S LIKE, "YO, I UNDERSTAND
MY SISTER GAVE YOU BISCUITS
AND YOU DIDN'T RECIPROCATE."
AND I WAS LIKE, "DAMN."
AND HE'S SAID...
[LAUGHTER]
"WELL, YOU GONNA TAKE HER TO
THE PROM."
I WAS LIKE, "ALL-- ALL RIGHT."
SO AT THIS POINT SHE WAS PLAYING
HARD-TO-GET.
YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA."
"DID SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME."
I'M LIKE--
[LAUGHTER]
"YOU WANNA GO TO THE PROM?"
SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT."
SO THE NIGHT OF THE PROM CAME.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
SO I BORROWED MY FRIEND'S MOM'S
STATION WAGON.
I DROVE UP TO THE PROJECTS.
I KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
NO-NECK CAME TO THE DOOR.
HE WAS LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU DO,
DO NOT BRING HER HOME HUNGRY."
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
SO WE WENT TO THIS CHINESE
RESTAURANT THAT SHE HAD PICKED
OUT.
APPARENTLY SHE HAD BEEN THERE
BEFORE.
'CAUSE WE WALKED IN, "LUWANDA
HERE.
LUWANDA HERE.
PUT AN EXTRA COOK ON THE GRILL.
LUWANDA HERE."
"HELLO, LUWANDA."
"HOW Y'ALL DOING?"
AND SHE WAS TEARING UP THIS
FOOD.
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S THIS BROWN
CHEWY THING?"
"THAT'S AN EGG ROLL."
"WHAT'S THIS WHITE CRUNCHY
THING?"
I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE PLATE.
TAKE IT EASY, YOU KNOW?"
[LAUGHTER]
SO WE WENT TO THE PROM.
WE DANCED.
IT WAS NICE.
AND THEN THE EVENING STARTED
WINDING DOWN-- I WAS LIKE--
I WENT TO GO DROP HER OFF.
I WAS LIKE "I WANNA SAY
GOOD NIGHT."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, BABY,
THE EVENING AIN'T OVER YET."
"THE BISCUIT'S GOING IN THE
GRAVY.
[LAUGHTER]
THE WHITE MEAT GONNA GET
SEASONED, YOU KNOW?"
I WAS LIKE, "CAN'T WE JUST BE
FRIENDS?"
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?
I WAS LIKE... [LISPING]
"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]