I MOVED HERE FROM WASHINGTON,

DC, YOU KNOW?

[CHEERING]

YEAH, DC'S IN THE HOUSE.

OH, YEAH.

IT WAS NICE.

I WAS ALWAYS GROWING UP IN

HIGH SCHOOL I WAS ALWAYS VERY

SHY, YOU KNOW, WITH WOMEN AND

STUFF.

AND IN HIGH SCHOOL THE PLACE

EVERYBODY HUNG OUT WAS

POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE THE BISCUITS

WERE GOOD.

LIKE, YOU COULD BUY WEED WITH

THE BISCUITS, YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE WOULD BE GAMBLING WITH

THE BISCUITS.

"I GOT SIX BISCUITS."

YOU KNOW?

"I GOT TEN BISCUITS."

SO I WENT IN ONE DAY AND THERE

WAS THIS GIRL THAT WORKED THERE

NAMED LUWANDA WHO WAS A

CHEERLEADER.

BUT SHE WEIGHED LIKE 300 POUNDS

SO SHE DIDN'T CHEERLEAD

TOO HARD, YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, TWO, FOUR, SIX,

EIGHT, I BE GO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT," YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT WAS IT.

SO I ORDERED SOME CHICKEN.

I LOOKED DOWN ON MY PLATE.

THERE WERE LIKE SIX BISCUITS

ON MY PLATE.

AND I WAS LIKE "I DIDN'T ORDER

THESE BISCUITS."

SHE'S LIKE, "IXNAY FREENAY

ON THE BISCUITAY."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

SHE'S LIKE, "SHHH, TAKE THEM

BISCUITS.

HOOK-UP."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

SO I DIDN'T REALIZE WITH THE

HOOK-UP THERE'S PAYBACK,

YOU KNOW?

SO I'M WALKING AROUND SCHOOL

THE NEXT DAY.

I HEAR THIS VOICE, "OH, SO NOW

YOU CAN'T TALK TO NOBODY, BODY,

BODY."

AND IT ECHOED LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW?

IT WAS LIKE--

I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA?"

SHE WAS LIKE, "BOY, I GAVE YOU

BISCUITS.

BISCUITS.

WHAT YOU THINK, BISCUITS GROW ON

TREES?

BISCUITS.

B-I-S-- SKITS."

I WAS LIKE-- OH.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WENT TO CLASS AND SHE TOLD

HER BROTHER, NO-NECK, WHO HAD

NO NECK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE CAME UP TO ME.

HE HAD BEATEN UP EVERYBODY IN

SCHOOL.

AND HE CAME UP TO ME AFTER

CLASS.

HE'S LIKE, "YO, I UNDERSTAND

MY SISTER GAVE YOU BISCUITS

AND YOU DIDN'T RECIPROCATE."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DAMN."

AND HE'S SAID...

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, YOU GONNA TAKE HER TO

THE PROM."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL-- ALL RIGHT."

SO AT THIS POINT SHE WAS PLAYING

HARD-TO-GET.

YOU KNOW, I WAS LIKE, "LUWANDA."

"DID SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME."

I'M LIKE--

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU WANNA GO TO THE PROM?"

SHE SAID, "ALL RIGHT."

SO THE NIGHT OF THE PROM CAME.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

SO I BORROWED MY FRIEND'S MOM'S

STATION WAGON.

I DROVE UP TO THE PROJECTS.

I KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

NO-NECK CAME TO THE DOOR.

HE WAS LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU DO,

DO NOT BRING HER HOME HUNGRY."

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."

YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE WENT TO THIS CHINESE

RESTAURANT THAT SHE HAD PICKED

OUT.

APPARENTLY SHE HAD BEEN THERE

BEFORE.

'CAUSE WE WALKED IN, "LUWANDA

HERE.

LUWANDA HERE.

PUT AN EXTRA COOK ON THE GRILL.

LUWANDA HERE."

"HELLO, LUWANDA."

"HOW Y'ALL DOING?"

AND SHE WAS TEARING UP THIS

FOOD.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S THIS BROWN

CHEWY THING?"

"THAT'S AN EGG ROLL."

"WHAT'S THIS WHITE CRUNCHY

THING?"

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S THE PLATE.

TAKE IT EASY, YOU KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE WENT TO THE PROM.

WE DANCED.

IT WAS NICE.

AND THEN THE EVENING STARTED

WINDING DOWN-- I WAS LIKE--

I WENT TO GO DROP HER OFF.

I WAS LIKE "I WANNA SAY

GOOD NIGHT."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, NO, BABY,

THE EVENING AIN'T OVER YET."

"THE BISCUIT'S GOING IN THE

GRAVY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHITE MEAT GONNA GET

SEASONED, YOU KNOW?"

I WAS LIKE, "CAN'T WE JUST BE

FRIENDS?"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU, GAY?

I WAS LIKE... [LISPING]

"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]