John Mulaney - Blackouts

Oswalt, Mulaney, Edwards, Cummins, Mordal, Prekel, Borowitz Season 1, Ep 3 08/03/2006 Views: 61,988

John used to blackout all the time. (3:40)

This is good. This is good.This is fun.

It's fun to go to, like,clubs and bars.

I like it, you know?Most of them have, like,

great drink specials now,which is nice.

But sometimes I'll hearabout a drink special

that soundsborderline dangerous.

Like, a friend will call me upand be, like,

"We got to go to O'Hallogan's tonight.

Is is Nickel Shot Night!"

I'm, like, yeah,I'm pretty sure we'll die

if we go to O'Hallogan's.

Nickel Shot Night should be illegal.

I actually just quit drinking

a couple of months agobecause...( booing )

Oh, I'm not exactly slaphappyabout it myself.

Boo me.

But I had a problem

because I was blacking outall the time.

And I went and I talkedto my doctor,

and he said, "It's notthat you drink too much.

"It's just that,after a couple major blackouts,

you black out easierand easier after that."

So I would just have, like,a couple drinks,

and my brain would be, like,

"Okay, I seewhere this is headed.

"We're just goingto power down now,

and get restartedsometime tomorrow morning."

The morning... the morningafter a blackout, though,

is so strange 'cause I alwaysfeel like this detective

trying to solve the mysteryof how I got home

the night before.

It's The Caseof the Empty Wallet

and the For-Some-ReasonBleeding Knee.

And, luckily,I can get right on the case,

'cause I'm still fully clothedfrom the night before.

It's not good.It's not good.



It's always weird when I'd goout with, like, some money,

and black out,and wake up with no money.

But it was a lot weirderwhen I'd go out with some money,

black out, and wake upwith more money.

That meant thatI had earned money.

That meant that I had tradedgoods and/or services...

and blacked out.It's not anything wholesome.

It's not like I was tempingin a real estate office.

I saw this woman on the news.

She started drinkingwhen she was eight years old.

When she was eight.

I don't even knowwhat I'd be like

drunk at eight years old.

My dad just come home from workand be, like, "So, John,

what did you do today?"

( slurred ):"Colored."

"You did what, now?"


"You know, like,with a crayon. "

"Well, uh...what did you color?"

"Brontosaurus Rex."

"You mean Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

"I said what I said!

"Come here!

"Come down to my level.

"You don't know me.

"I got secrets.

"You know how you and Momsaid I'm not allowed

"to watch Night Court?

"I watch it!

"When you're out of the room,I watch it,

"and I get it.

"The one lawyerhas a lot of sex.

I get it."

"Were youat O'Hallogan's tonight?"

"It was Nickel Shot Night.