Donald Glover - Never Heard That Word

  • Season 14 , Ep 9
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 136,844

As a kid, Donald Glover feared that a man with a gun would make him stick his own d**k in his own butt. (2:23)

LIKE I SAID, I WAS, LIKE,GROWING UP IN A FOSTER HOME.

IT WAS CRAZY, MAN.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME,

LIKE, MY MOM BROUGHT HOMETHIS KID,

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "NOW,BE VERY CAREFUL WITH HIM.

HE WAS MOLESTED."

AND I HAD NEVER HEARDTHAT WORD BEFORE.

I WAS LIKE 8 YEARS OLD.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GOD.

"UM...THAT MEANSA GROWN-UP MAN...

TOUCHED HIS [BLEEP] OR HIS BUTT,AND HE DIDN'T WANT IT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I MISHEARD HER.

I THOUGHT SHE SAIDA GROWN-UP MAN

MADE HIM STICK HIS OWN [BLEEP]IN HIS OWN BUTT.

SO NOW I'M TERRIFIEDTO USE THE BATHROOM

IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE,

'CAUSE I THINK A DUDE WITH A GUN

IS GONNA COME AT MELIKE -- BOOM --

"STICK YOUR OWN [BLEEP]IN YOUR OWN BUTT!"

I BE LIKE, "I CAN'T!IT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH!

I'M JUST A LITTLE BOY!"

"SHUT UP!"

[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]"AAH!"

AND I'D DIE, RIGHT?

I'D DIE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I THOUGHT [LAUGHS]

I THOUGHT THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.I WAS REALLY SCARED.

AND NOW I'M OBSESSEDWITH THIS KID'S [BLEEP]

LIKE, I'M OBSESSED.

EVERY TIME WE USE THE BATHROOM,I'M LOOKING AT HIM LIKE,

"IT DOESN'T LOOK LONG ENOUGHTO GO IN HIS OWN BUTT.

"I'M SORRY.IT DOESN'T LOOK LONG ENOUGH.

HOW DID HE DO IT?OH, HE'S SUCH A SURVIVOR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN HE WOULD, LIKE, LEAVE,

AND THEN I'D JUST, LIKE,TUG MY STUFF A LITTLE BIT.

I WOULD TUG ITSO IT WOULD BE LONG ENOUGH

TO GO IN MY OWN BUTT,IF IT EVER HAPPENED.

SO, LIKE, I WAS,LIKE, TERRIFIED,

AND THEN ONE DAY,I HAD AN EPIPHANY.

I'M LIKE, "I'M A GENIUS.I'M A FREAKING GENIUS.

"I DON'T HAVE TO GO THIS WAY.I CAN GO THIS WAY!

I'M A GENIUS!I'M A GENIUS!"

SO IF IT EVER HAPPENED,HE'D BE LIKE -- BOOM --

"STICK YOUR OWN [BLEEP]IN YOUR OWN BUTT!"

I'D BE LIKE -- POP --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHAT NOW, STRANGE MAN?

IT SEEMS THATWE'RE AT AN IMPASSE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

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