Kevin Brennan - The Bible

  • Season 1 , Ep 8
  • 01/25/1999
  • Views: 1,869

The Bible was written by Jesus' friends. (2:01)

THE ONE THING YOU NEVER WANTTO HEAR YOUR GIRLFRIEND SAY IS

"I'VE BEEN DOING A LOTOF THINKING."

AM I RIGHT? 'CAUSE THAT'S NEVERGOING TO BE FOLLOWED WITH

AND I GOT TO ( bleep )YOUR ( bleep ) MORE, YOU KNOW?

THAT IS NEVER, EVER...

THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

SO, ANYWAY,I WAS JUST IN IOWA...

YOU EVER BEEN TO IOWA?

ARE YOU FROM IOWA?

THEY COW TIP THERE.

THEY COW TIP.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

COWS SLEEP STANDING UP.

SO THESE KIDS GET DRUNK

THEN THEY PUSH OVERTHE SLEEPING COW

THEN THEY RUN FROM THE COW

LIKE THE COW'S GOINGTO CHASE THEM

LIKE A COW HAS CHASEDANYBODY EVER.

YOU COULD SHOOT A COW'S BROTHERIN THE FACE

AND HE WOULD BE LIKE,"MOO, I DON'T GIVE A ( bleep )."

I'M THINKING THE COWSDON'T CARE.

THEY'RE SLEEPING STANDING UP

SO WHEN YOU KNOCK THEM OVER,THEY'RE LIKE...

"OH... OH, THIS IS MUCH BETTER.

"THANK YOU, DRUNK STUDENTS."

I WAS JUST DOWN IN, UH...

YOU KNOW, DOWN SOUTH, YOU KNOW,I WAS JUST IN ARKANSAS.

THEY ALL HAVE GUNS DOWN THERE.

THEY ALL HAVE GUNS.

THE GUY PICKS ME UPFOR THE SHOW.

I GO, "WHAT DO YOUGOT A GUN FOR?"

HE GOES, "CONSTITUTION SAYSWE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEM."

THE CONSTITUTION SAYS...IT'S SUCH BULL.

THE CONSTITUTION SAYSWE HAVE A RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

IT WAS WRITTEN 200 YEARS AGO;WE GOT AN ARMY, JETHRO. RELAX.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WE DON'T NEED YOU ANYMOREFOR BACKUP.

IT'S LIKE WHEN PEOPLEQUOTE THE BIBLE:

"THE BIBLE SAYS THAT WE SHOULDDO THIS AND THAT."

THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN2,000 YEARS AGO

WHEN THE EARTH WAS FLAT AND YOUDID YOUR CLOTHES IN A RIVER.

SO DON'T BE QUOTING THE BIBLE.

AND JESUS DIDN'T EVEN WRITETHE BIBLE.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY JESUS' FRIENDS

AND YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FRIENDSARE ALL MORONS

AND THEY GOT THE STORIES WRONGALL THE TIME.

IT'S THE SAME WAY WITH THE BIBLE

"AND THEN JESUSWALKED ON WATER."

"NO, ( bleep ), YOU WERE DRUNK.

"NO, HE WAS IN A PUDDLE...

"WITH THOSE BIG SHOESTHAT HE WEARS.

"JESUS CHRIST," I SAYS.

Loading...