Chris Porter - Liver Limits

  • Season 13 , Ep 16
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 34,762

Chris remembers a date when Mexico and Scotland had a war inside his bowels. (3:25)

JUNE OF '07.

IT WAS PRETTY SWEET.

BIBLICALLY,THAT'S PRETTY RECENT.

I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER.

IT'S A LONG STORY THAT...

BEGINS AND ENDSWITH "SHE'S A VIRGIN."

LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

YOU CAN JUST SAY NO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D THROW OUTTHE BIG "V," YOU KNOW?

TELLING ME YOU'RE A VIRGIN'S

A LOT LIKE TELLING MEYOU SAW BIGFOOT.

"A," I DON'T CARE,

AND, "B," I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HOLD ON.

THE ONLY REASON I BRING IT UP

IS BECAUSE I KNEWGOING INTO THE SITUATION

THAT I WASN'T GONNASLEEP WITH HER,

WHICH I WAS FINE WITH.

SO I WAS LIKE, "COOL.

I CAN GET REALLY DRUNK, 'CAUSEI DON'T HAVE TO PERFORM LATER."

AND SHE TOOK ME TO A BAR

THAT WAS INSIDEHER APARTMENT BUILDING.

YEAH. I DIDN'T EVENHAVE TO DRIVE HOME.

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WALK.

I COULD JUST LEANAGAINST THE WALL

TILL WE GOT TO THE ELEVATOR,SWITCH WALLS.

RIGHT?

SO I DRANK CORONA AND MACALLANALL NIGHT.

YEAH. I TESTED THE LIMITSOF MY LIVER.

THE LIVER LIMITS.

THE LIVITS.

I DID.

CORONA, MACALLAN --ONE IN EACH HAND ALL NIGHT.

PASSED OUT FEELING DELICIOUS.

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNINGTO FIND OUT MEXICO AND SCOTLAND

HAD HAD A WAR INSIDE MY BOWELS.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

COME MORNINGTIME, IT WAS UP TOME TO DISPOSE OF THE CASUALTIES.

NOT A GOOD SITUATIONFOR AN AWAY GAME.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL I WANTED TO DOWAS DROP A DEUCE,

SMOKE A BOWL, GO BACK TO SLEEP.

BUT SHE LIVEDIN A ONE-BED, ONE-BATH,

SO I DID NOT HAVETHE SQUARE FOOTAGE NECESSARY.

'CAUSE VIRGIN OR NOT,I REALLY LIKED THIS GIRL.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO

IS WAKE HER UP TO THE SMELLOF DEAD PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S LAYINGRIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I COULDN'T EVEN FART,FOR GOD'S SAKE.

MAN, I WAS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

I WAS RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS.

THE PSI IN MY TORSOIS REACHING RED-LINE LEVELS.

A SUBSTANCE WAS GOING TOBREACH AN ORIFICE

WHETHER I LIKED IT OR NOT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SHE GOES TO WORK, RIGHT?

I DECIDE TO USE HER SHOWER,

'CAUSE GIVEN THE MORNINGI'D HAD,

THOUGHT IT MIGHTBENEFIT EVERYBODY.

NOW, BEEN A WHILESINCE I'D USED A GIRL'S SHOWER,

OR ANYBODY ELSE'S SHOWER,FOR THAT MATTER.

SHOWERINGIS NOT SOMETHING YOU DO

AT SOMEONE ELSE'S PLACE A LOT,IS IT?

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU RUN OVERTO YOUR BUDDY'S HOUSE,

"GONNA HOP IN YOUR SHOWERREAL QUICK."

"THE HELL ARE YOU, MAVERICK?NO, YOU'RE NOT."

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