Hi. Hi everyone.Oh.
I'm really excitedto be here.
I recently turned 30 and I cantell that I'm getting older
because now, wheneverI see a 21-year-old girl,
my automatic thoughtis "Fuck you.
Fuck you! I don't evenknow you, but fuck you!"
'Cause I'm straight-upjealous.
Because 21-year-old girls, theygot that ripe-ass body where
they can just eat like shitand then they take a shit and
have a six-pack--right?
And they got that inner thighclearance where they just put
their feet together and there'sthat gap here with the light of
potential justradiating through.
And I'm a small person,but I don't even have that
anymore because it's allclosing for business.
That's why I needto get pregnant.
I do, I wanna get pregnantlike right now.
Because I don't wanna be oneof those women who waits until
they're 45 tohave a baby.
'Cause then you have one ofthose messed-up kids that's
allergic topeanut butter.
That's my worst fear is to spawnone of these sissy-ass kids,
spawn one of these sissy-assmillennial guppies
that's allergicto everything.
"I can only eat milk that'sharvested from a tree!"
You eat whateverI say is on sale.
© 2015 Comedy Partners. All Rights Reserved. Comedy Central and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of comedy partners.