Hannah Friedman - Monkey Sister - Uncensored

Bloodline 03/15/2016 Views: 2,931

Hannah Friedman tells a story about her mean, competitive sister (who happened to be a monkey) interrupting an intimate moment with her high school boyfriend. (9:58)

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- She, like, strolls onto the bed,

and she takes a shit,

like she's dropping the mic.

She's like,"My job's done here.

Try to lose your virginity now,after that."

[dark electronic music]

[heartbeat pulsing]


[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This Is Not Happening".

I'm Ari Shaffir, and tonightthe topic is "bloodline."

[cheers and applause]

Please, give a warm round of applause.

Miss Hannah Friedman, everybody.

Let her hear it!

[cheers and applause]

- So my sister's thecoolest person in my whole town.

And let me explain a little bit

about my sister--I got to go back.

My mom used to worktraining monkeys

as aidsfor quadriplegics.


So like Seeing Eye dogs,they help the blind.

They tried to get these monkeysto help quadriplegics.

Turns out monkeys arevery unhelpful.

They're--they really don'twant to be helpful,

they're not interestedin being helpful.

Um, and so like,the quadriplegics would have

a little straw toblow into to release a treat

if the monkey dida good behavior,

like, uh, you know, give them--

like, turn a page in a book,or something.

But the monkeys realizedthat if you just

take the quadriplegic's head

and jam it downonto the straw,

then they'll breathe out,releasing all the treats.

Why work, with--if that's what you can do.

So, um, so my mom realizedthis wasn't a great program,

sort of at the same timethat her favorite monkey,

her test monkey, um,was on the brink of death.

She was gonna die.

And she was in this horriblecage in a laboratory.

And my mom was like,"I want to give her

"a peaceful place to die.

"I want to have a funeral forher like Princess Diana.

"I just want itto be very dignified,

I'm leaving this program."

So my mom, what she did is shesigned the monkey out as dead,

she took her home,

and she fed the monkeybagels and lox.

And then the monkey proceededto live through the weekend,

and then for 30 years.

For 30 more years

in the housewith my family.

So everyone says,"Oh, my gosh,

"you have a monkey as a sister,that's my dream!

That's so cool!"

It's not cool,and it's not a dream

'cause she was a huge bitch.

She's very abusiveand mean.

And, like, I would tell,you know, my--my--my, uh,

second-grade teacher,"Oh,"

like, "my collagegot ripped up by my monkey."

And she'd thinkthat I was, um,

uh, disturbed,and I had to go to

the psychologist--the school psychologist

'cause my mom didn't botherto bring a monkey in or explain.

Or the monkey,she's really diabolical.

So she would, like,take my favorite

holographic, magic 8-ball Pogand, like,

tear off the top of it.

She knew,and she would, like,

pee on my dolls.

Or she would, like--shehad these like long, monkey,

Crypt Keeper fingers,and she would,

uh, unscrew the peanut butter,which is my favorite,

and she'd, like,run her fingers through it.

And just, like, look at melike, "What are you gonna do?"

Nothing, 'causeshe was my mom's favorite.

Um, and actually, do you guys--you--do--do you want to see her?

You want to seea picture of her?

- Yeah.- Yeah?

Okay, so I have my little helperhere, oh, thank you very much.

So here's, uh,here she is

in a, in a terry cloth, uh,beach robe.

Nice. There she is, Amelia.

This is Amelia, she has--she's eating challah

with an eye infection. Ooh.

Nice, on the kitchen table.

Very sanitary.

I'd come home like,"Mom, I got an A!"

And then everyone would be like,"Oh, my God, look,

Amelia's eating spaghettiwith her feet, oh!"

You can't beat that.

And here, this is what I showedto my therapist

very recently, um.

I don't know if you can see,so--so--

I'm in a--some sort of crate? Um...

And she gets to be drinking my bottle, so that's great.

And she's having freedom,so that's all nice.

Thanks, Ameli--um.

So things got even worsewhen I went through puberty.

Dogs just want--to be--you're the master.

And they want youto like them,

but monkeys have thisvery rigid hierarchical system.

And when she sensed that I was,like, becoming a woman,

she would, uh,

she would attack meand she would, like,

lurk behind a darkened doorwayfor--she was like a Gremlin.

It was likeliving with a horrible goblin.

She would lurk for meto come by the doorway,

and then she'd likejump out and, like,

bite my Achilles tendonand she'd laugh,

and monkeys laugh like this,they're like--

[breathy laughter]

Which is way creepierwith no sound.

Or she would, like,wait for me to be

carrying somethingreally hot or heavy, like pasta,

and she would attack me.

Or the worst isI would be on the toilet--

you just want some solitude,you want to be by yourself,

have some relaxing time.

Um, and she wouldcome and attack me.

Oh, she was alsovery jealous of my boyfriend.

Um, she wasreally flirtatious,

and this is how--here, you help me out.

I'll--I'll do monkey flirtwith you.

Ready?Imagine I'm drooling a lot.

And then she would--she would go like this.

She'd like rub her tummyat him,

and he'd be like,"That's so cute."

And I would say,"No, you don't understand!

She--she ripped upall my homework."

Um, and she--she particularly

didn't like my laugh, um.

You guys are smiling,it's awesome.

Laughing, great.

Don't do that to a monkey'cause it's--

you're baring your teeth,that's a sign of aggression.

So anytime I laughed,she'd be like,

"Oh, you want to go?"Like, "I'm down!"

Like, "Bring it!"

So I was so in lovewith my boyfriend.

Uh, and we were ready,when I was 16,

to "do it,"and I was so excited.

And I planned it,um, 'cause as the ladies

in the audience know, like,ambience is very important

when you're gonnalose the V card.

So I got princessmosquito netting,

and I got votive candles,candles, um...

Always in style.

And I laid them all around,and it was so perfect.

And we waited for my parentsto be out of the house,

across the streetat a holiday party.

Oh, my gosh.

And so we were making outand fooling around

and it was like getting,like, hot,

and he took off his shirtand like--

[exhales]It was so steamy.

And I was giggling 'causeI was a little bit nervous.

And all of a sudden, like,we--we're getting naked

and then we hear--bam!Bam!

And the door busts down,

like the Gestapohas come to town.

And we look

and it's Amelia,and she's heard the laughing,

and she's like,"Oh, it's on," like.


[stammers] She thinks thatI've been sitting in the bedroom

just like, "You fucking bitch,"and like, "I'm gonna..."

She's super pissed.

And she's jealous 'causeI'm with my boyfriend.

And so she runs onto the bed,and she's like,

"Ra, ra, ra, ra, rah."

And my boyfriend covered uphis junk with a pillow.

And I'm like trying toshoo her away,

but she's really fast.

So she runsand she gets tangled up

in the mosquito netting,and she's like re--

she's a ball of ragein a net.

And I think, like,

"Okay, at least now,

she's like contained."

But she pull--she's so strong she pulls down

the mosquito netting,and now she's, like,

running with a big netbehind her.

And what I now knowabout mosquito netting

is that it's quite flammable.

So she pulls it through this,like, row of votive candles.

And it catches on fire.

And now she's trailing firelike a comet,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God,I'm gonna, like,

burn my sister to death,"

and I'm nakedand my boyfriend's screaming.

So we, like, put it outwith pillows.

And there's, like, smoke.

And my parents have heardall this commotion.

And they show upat the door.

And my boyfriendis just so stoic--

he's just like,

"Mr. Friedman,"like,

just really tryingto recover it,

um, and Amelia has, uh,de-tangled from the net.

And she goes onto the bed,she like strolls onto the bed,

and she takes a shit,

like she's dropping the mic,

She's like,"My job's done here.

Try to lose your virginity now,after that."

She strolls out.

And, um, and that was that.

Eventually I did lose myvirginity in a horrible car.

I had, like, seat bucklespressed--impressions in my ass,

very romantic.

Um, but I went home recently.

Amelia--Amelia passed awayafter 30--30 years with us.

She had lived a reallywonderful life.

And my mom gave her thedignified Princess Diana funeral

that she always wanted.

It was an open-casketceremony.

It was super creepy.The whole town came.

She was a smoking jacket.

Never in real life,but in the funeral, yes.

I don't know why.

Um, and since then,I've gone home

and I've been, like,on the toilet, thinking, like,

"Oh, my gosh!It's--oh, no."

And then I realize she's notgonna be there.

And I walk into a darkened roomand I realize she's not there.

And I thought I'd be relieved,but it's--

it's kind of sad, um,

and I think aboutwhat I do now,

like, I get to tell, like,cool stories to people like you,

and I think about the peoplewho said, "Oh, it's so cool

you had a monkeyas a sister."

And I think, "Maybe theywere right, and I was wrong."

[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]