Mike Yard's The Y Files - Cavaliers-Warriors Conspiracy

June 22, 2016 - M1 06/22/2016 Views: 950

Mike Yard blows the lid off of a basketball conspiracy involving the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Golden State Warriors and Donald Trump. (4:42)

-♪ -(cheering, applause)-Welcome back.

Now, the NBA has spawnedcountless conspiracy theories,

and I'm sure we've allheard somebody say

the draft lottery'srigged, right?

Or-or Shaquille O'Neal's inthe pocket of big talc, right?

Oh, is it just me?Okay, all right, all right.

Anyway, it seems likethis year's NBA Finals

between the Cleveland Cavaliersand Golden State Warriors

were a bonanza for the foamfinger and tin foil hat crowd.

So let's check in with ourin-basement conspiracy expert

Mike Yard in the latestinstallment of the Y-Files.

-♪ -(cheering, applause)

Hey, Mike. So, okay, so, what'syour take on the NBA Finals?

You-you think they were rigged?

Larry, I am delighted to seeyou are finally comprehending

the world at a first-gradelevel, my brother.

But ask yourselfwhat we ask ourselves

in the truth community: cui bono, huh?

Who benefits?

Thanks for the Italiantranslation, I guess.

All right, some peoplesay the networks,

'cause if there are more gamesthey sell more ads,

but that's not necessarily true,because the Chicago Bulls

were the most popular teamin the '90s, right?

They went to the Finalssix times.

The Bulls never hada game seven.

(buzzes)You lose, my brother.

Of course the NBA Finalsis rigged.

But not by the networks.(scoffs)

What is this, amateur hour?Larry...

it was riggedby the Republicans.

(cheering, applause)

It is a Republican conspiracy.

Mike...

what could the GOPpossibly have to do

with the Cavs and the Warriors?

Come on, Oblivious B.I.G.

Exhibit A: Draymond Green.

The Warriors' Draymond Greengot suspended for one game

after swatting LeBronin his junk in game four.

What's been hitting Americain the balls

for the past six months, Larry?

Donald Trump, you guessed it.

Um... technically,I didn't guess it.

But, uh, but Donald Trump

has nothing to dowith the NBA, Mike.

Oh, really? Oh, really?

Then why did Steph Curry's wifetweet that game six was rigged

after he fouled out,but then delete it?

Why, Larry, why? Why?

(stammers) I don't know, becauseshe didn't want to look bad.

She was in the heatof the moment.

(short sigh) You know what,you need to take the red pill,

Wilmore, 'cause I'm aboutto Morpheus that ass.

Okay, listen, Ayesha Curryis from Toronto.

Toronto, Canada,Canada, maple syrup,

syrup, pancakes,pancakes, Denny's,

Denny's hates minorities,who else hates minorities?

(imitates bell ringing)Donald Trump!

(cheering, applause)

What?

-I just (bleep) you up.-Mike...

-that is completely insane,Mike. -Is it, now?

-Yes.-Well, chew on this, my brother.

-All right.-Cleveland is 53.3% black.

-Okay. -The exact samepercentage of points and assists

LeBron had in... of Clevelandscorers in the 2015 playoffs.

How do you explain that?

Exactly.

-When do you...-The same.

How much time do you haveto do all this math?

-First of all...-I got free time.

And what does the racialcomposition of Cleveland

have to do with LeBron James?What the hell

are you getting at, Mike?I don't understand.

I can't believe it.Larry, what's happening

in Cleveland in July?

Clev... I don't... Uh, uh,

oh, the, uh, Republicanconvention is in Cleveland.

Give that man who just pulledhis head out of his ass a cigar.

Mike...

The Republican NationalCommittee rigged the Finals

-so Cleveland could win.-Okay, but how does that

connect to why Draymond Greendidn't play in game five?

I don't get the connection.

'Cause if he did,the Cavs might lose.

Then all the black peoplein Cleveland would riot

and ruin the convention.

The GOP could not afford an...a Warriors win.

Right?

(cheering, applause)

'Cause Republicansdon't want to hang in the city

full of angry,window-breaking Negroes.

-You got to use this.-So, you're saying the Warriors,

in collusion with the NBA refs,

threw game five and game six?

Exactly, and Ayeshadidn't even know what was up.

She accidentallyhit upon the truth

with her heatof the moment tweet.

And they were all like,"Delete, bitch!

Delete, delete, delete,delete, delete!"

Damn, I can't believeI'm saying this, but...

oh, my God, Mike,this all makes sense.

I think I agree with you.The Finals were rigged.

It was the Republicans.

(crying)I'm gonna need a minute.

(cheering, applause)

You convinced me.Mike, you convinced me.

Oh, I'm so proud today.Indeed they were, my brother.

But all this ain't nothingbut a smokescreen

for what I reallywant to talk about,

and is that Gucci Mane...

is really a government clone.

Okay, see, you had me, Mike,and now you lost me.

Mike Yard, everybody.We'll be right back.

You had me. Now I'm gone.

-You had me.-♪ -(cheering, applause)