Felipe Esparza - Professional

Esparza, Shea, Levy, Kappa Season 9, Ep 908 12/09/2005 Views: 16,605

Felipe Esparza's dad was like MacGyver with duct tape. (2:08)

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE MY MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

AND I'M SCARED.BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHOI COULD LIVE WITH NOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE'S GONNA BE A CUSTODY BATTLE.

BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WANT ME.

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE AT HOME FOR ONE REASON.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO ANSWERTHE PHONE IN ENGLISH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO WALK AROUND THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

AND COLLECT OLD FURNITURE AND BRING IT HOME AND FIX IT

LIKE MACGYVER,WITH DUCT TAPE.

ONE TIME, HE BROUGHT A TELEVISION HOME.

I SAID, "DAMN, THAT TV GOT 400 CHANNELS."

WHEN I GOT OLDER, IT DIDN'T HAVE 400 CHANNELS.

IT WAS A KNOB FROM THE OVEN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY FAVORITE CHANNEL WAS 300 DEGREES.

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE MY DAD. HE USED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER IN MEXICO.

SO, IT WAS COOL GROWING UPWITH HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE HIT US,

- HE DIDN'T REALLY HIT US. - [LAUGHTER]

HE'D BE LIKE, "STOP IT.

- HEY MA, HE TOUCHED MY HAND." - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE WAR IN IRAQ IS STILL GOING ON.

THE BRITISH ARE HELPING.MEXICO WANTS TO HELP.

BUT THEY NEED A RIDE OVER THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I GOT A TICKET IN BEVERLY HILLS. AND WHEN YOU GET A TICKET,

THE POLICE DO NOT PULL YOU OVER.

THERE'S A CAMERATHAT TAKES A PHOTOGRAPH

OF YOU RUNNING THE RED LIGHT. THEN YOU GET IT IN THE MAIL.

IT LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICTURES YOU GET AT SIX FLAGS.

COMING DOWN A ROLLER COASTER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. MY FRIEND CARLOS WAS LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NOW I HAVE TO GO TO COURT.