Ardal O'Hanlon - Lending Books

  • Season 5 , Ep 15
  • 10/07/2001
  • Views: 1,485

Ardal O'Hanlon doesn't want people to learn what he already knows. (2:36)

FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME

TO RELAX, AND HE SAID THE BEST

WAY TO RELAX IS TO GO ON

HOLIDAYS.

AND YOU KNOW, THAT'S FAR FROM

BEING RELAXING, GOING ON

HOLIDAYS' THE MOST STRESSFUL

THING YOU CAN DO IN YOUR LIFE!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE IN A BLIND

PANIC BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THINKING OF ALL THE THINGS YOU

HAVE TO DO-- OH MY GOD,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE

MILK.

AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT DOWN

THE DOG.

YOU KNOW?

AND LEAVING A LIGHT ON DOESN'T

FOOL THE BURGLERS FOR A SECOND.

THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE A HAIR

DRYER ON FOR TWO WEEKS,

SO'S THEY'LL THINK THERE'S

SOMEBODY INSIDE WITH A MASSIVE

HEAD OF HAIR!

THEY'LL THINK DON KING'S LOOKING

AFTER THE HOUSE!

ANYWAY...

OH, LIKE I SAID, I'M FROM

IRELAND, AND UH, THAT'S TRUE,

AND I CAN'T DENY IT.

BUT, SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW THAT

IRELAND HAS THE REPUTATION FOR

BEING A GREAT LITERARY NATION.

YOU KNOW, YOU WALK INTO ANY BAR

IN DUBLIN, APPARENTLY IT'S FULL

OF WRITERS AND POETS.

MOST OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY'RE

CALLED DRUNKS.

NOT IN IRELAND.

AND LIKE MOST IRISH PEOPLE,

I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL AS WELL.

IT'S NOT MY FIRST.

I'VE BEEN WRITING FOR YEARS,

UNDER THE PSEUDONYM MIA BINCHY

GOING QUITE WELL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THIS PERSON ASKED ME,

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, I WAS ON A RADIO TALK

SHOW, AND THE PRESENTER ASKED ME

IF I WAS EVER STUCK ON A DESERT

ISLAND, WHAT TWO BOOKS WOULD

I BRING WITH ME?

AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE THREAT

IMPLIED IN THAT QUESTION.

AND I SAID TO HER.

THE FIRST BOOK I'D BRING WITH

ME, WOULD BE A BIG, PLASTIC,

INFLATABLE BOOK...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THE SECOND ONE WOULD BE.

HOW TO MAKE OARS OUT OF SAND.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

THAT SHUT HER UP.

I DON'T LIKE LENDING MY BOOKS

TO PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE,

THEY'RE PART OF YOUR IDENTITY.

YOUR BOOKS.

AND ALSO, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE

TO KNOW WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

YOU KNOW?

I'VE INVESTED A LOT OF TIME AND

EFFORT IN ACQUIRING THAT

KNOWLEDGE.

I DON'T WANT TO THROW AWAY

MY SLENDER ADVANTAGE!

YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE, I'LL LEND THEM

(BLEEP) BOOKS, YES.

I'LL SAY, HERE'S "ANGELA'S

ASHES," TAKE THAT.

HERE YA GO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE OTHER REASON I DON'T LIKE

LENDING BOOKS TO PEOPLE IS THAT

PEOPLE HAVE THIS DISGUSTING

HABIT OF LICKING THEIR THUMBS

BEFORE TURNING A PAGE.

I HAVE A VEGETARIAN FRIEND

THAT DOES THIS AND HE BORROWS

MY BOOKS ALL THE TIME.

AND WHAT I DO IS, I SMEAR THE

CORNER OF THE PAGES WITH BITS OF

GREASY BACON.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)

AND I STICK A SAUSAGE IN THE

MIDDLE AS A BOOKMARK.

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