Greg Giraldo - Men Are Pigs

  • Season 3 , Ep 10
  • 08/08/2000
  • Views: 7,794

There are no ratty strip clubs for women, and Greg Giraldo knows why. (2:53)

IT'S A SCARY WORLD TO BRINGKIDS INTO BECAUSE

IT'S NOT AN INNOCENT TIME.

THERE'S TOO MUCH INFORMATIONAVAILABLE TO PEOPLE NOW.

IT'S TOO INTENSE.

YOU TRY TO WATCH TELEVISION NOW.

HALF THE COMMERCIALSARE FOR PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES.

THAT'S HORRIFYING.

YOU WATCH TV FOR FIVE MINUTES,

YOU THINK YOU GOTFOUR FATAL DISEASES.

LIKE, "DO YOU EVER WAKE UP TIREDIN THE MORNINGS?"

OHH.

THEY HAVE COMMERCIALSFOR PRESCRIPTION MEDICINES

THAT TREAT VENEREAL DISEASES.

IMAGINE THAT; YOU'RE SITTINGTHERE WITH YOUR KID.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN EXPLAINEDSEX YET,

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO JUMP RIGHTTO THE GENITAL HERPES.

"WHAT'S THAT, DADDY"

"WELL, JUNIOR, ONE DAYYOU'LL BE AT A PARTY,

"AND THERE'LL BE SOME SKANKYWHORE HANGING ALL OVER YOU.

"YOU KNOW IT'S A BAD IDEA,BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY.

"THEN WHEN YOU GO WEE-WEE,

"IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S FIRESHOOTING OUT OF YOU.

"THEN YOU TAKESOME OF THAT STUFF, SWEETHEART.

"THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.THAT'S ABOUT SUPPRESSION.

"SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDEANAL HEMORRHAGE, A BRAIN TUMOR.

SLEEP TIGHT, JUNIOR."

I'LL TELL YOU, THIS VIAGRA THINGHAS ME A LITTLE BIT CONFUSED.

I CAN'T WAITTILL I STOP HAVING ERECTIONS.

FINALLY SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS ONE OFTHE BENEFITS OF GETTING OLD:

YOU DIDN'T WANTTO HAVE SEX ANYMORE

SO YOU COULD FINALLYBE YOURSELF.

YOU EVER TALK TO AN OLD GUY?

THEY'RE THE ONLY REALLY HONESTPEOPLE LEFT ON THE PLANET.

THEY'LL SAY WHATEVER THE HELLTHEY'RE THINKING:

"I JUST TOOK A DUMPIN MY PANTS."

THEY DON'T CARE.

WE LIVE OUR LIVESTORTURED BY OUR SEX DRIVE.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

WE'RE BASICALLY PIGS,WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

LOOK AT ALL THE PORNOGRAPHYTHAT'S AIMED AT MEN.

IT'S AIMED AT MEN,LIKE WE DON'T LIKE IT,

THEY'RE JUST SHOVING ITDOWN OUR THROATS.

WHO CONSUMESALL THIS PORNOGRAPHY,

THESE STRIP CLUBS?

IT'S ALL MEN.

WOMEN DON'T GETINTO THAT STUFF REALLY.

WOMEN DON'T GO TO STRIP CLUBS.

ONCE IN A WHILE, THEY MIGHT GOTO CHIPPENDALES OR SOMETHING,

BUT THE GUYSARE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING,

AND THEY GO AND THEY GIGGLE;YOU KNOW, IT'S FUN.

THERE'S NO RATTY-ASS, DISGUSTINGSTRIP CLUB FOR WOMEN TO GO TO

LIKE WE HAVE, YOU KNOW.

NO RATTY PLACE WITH BIG FAT GUYSWITH HAIRY BACKS AND ONE BALL

DANCING ON THE BAR.

WE'LL GO TO THE WORST,MOST NIGHTMARISH--

I'VE BEEN IN STRIP CLUBSTHAT ARE HORRIBLE.

GUYS GO ALL THE TIME.

THERE'S GIRLS WITH BURN MARKSAND SCARS AND PENISES

AND UMBILICAL CORDS.

THEY GOT, LIKE, ONE FAKE BREAST

'CAUSE THEY'RE SAVING UPTO BUY THE OTHER ONE, YOU KNOW.

THEY CAN'T EVEN DANCE.

THEY JUST MARCH ANGRILY

BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE STAGE.

YOU'RE GIVING THEM MONEYTO PUT THINGS BACK ON AGAIN.

BUT FOR SOME REASON,WE LOVE IT.

EVERY TIME I'M THERE,

ONE OF MY FRIENDS THINKS ONE OFTHE GIRLS IS IN LOVE WITH HIM.

IT'S LIKE, "THIS GIRL'SIN LOVE WITH ME, MAN."

"ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"NO, SHE KEEPS COMING OVERAND DANCING FOR ME.

SHE KEEPS DANCING FOR ME."

"THAT'S HER JOB.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT HAPPENEDIN THE SUPERMARKET."

OH, YEAH, IF YOU WERE IN LINEAT THE SUPERMARKET,

AND SOME GIRL'S LIKE,

"OH, HI, HOW'S IT GOING?HOW ARE YOU?"

"HEY, PAPER OR PLASTIC?

WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY GETIN THIS SITUATION?"

THEN YOU THINKYOU GOT A SHOT, YOU KNOW?

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