Rene Hicks - Grandfather

  • Season 4 , Ep 3
  • 12/17/2000
  • Views: 4,361

Rene's got some crazy people in her family. (3:52)

AND YOU ARE MY PEOPLE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE JUST LIKE YOU, I DON'T

THINK I'M GONNA BE GETTING AN

INVITATION TO JOHN ROCKER'S

HOUSE, EITHER.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WAS DESCRIBING

THE PEOPLE WHO RIDE THE NUMBER 7

TRAIN, I THOUGHT HE WAS

PERSONALLY TALKING ABOUT MEMBERS

OF MY FAMILY!

I'M LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

I CAN TALK ABOUT 'EM, BUT HOLD

UP, BUDDY BOY."

'CAUSE I DO HAVE SOME VERY

STRANGE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY.

THEY ALL GATHERED TOGETHER AT MY

GRANDFATHER'S 85th BIRTHDAY

PARTY.

LET'S START WITH HIM.

HE'S LOSING IT.

HE GIVES ADVICE, MAKES NO SENSE.

HE'S LIKE, "RENE, SHOW BUSINESS

IS A DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD.

MAKE SURE YOUR DOG AIN'T

ANOREXIC.

(LAUGHTER)

ANOTHER THING, REMEMBER,

BEAUTY'S ONLY SKIN DEEP.

JUST DON'T TELL THAT TO AN UGLY

PERSON."

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHAT REALLY GOT HIM STARTED

WAS MY COUSIN TELLING THE WHOLE

FAMILY THAT HE'S GAY.

MY GRANDPA'S LIKE, "THAT BOY

AIN'T GAY.

HE'S JUST LAZY.

(LAUGHTER)

EVEN A DOG LICKS HIS OWN BALLS."

(LAUGHTER)

DO YOU THINK HE STOPPED THERE?

OH, NO.

HE GOES ON.

"THAT'S JUST LIKE THAT RICKY

MARTIN BOY.

HE AIN'T GAY.

HE PUERTO RICAN.

(LAUGHTER)

PUERTO RICAN MEN DANCE LIKE THEY

GAY.

BUT THEY NOT.

NOW, YOU SEE A WHITE GUY DANCING

LIKE THAT, OH, YEAH.

THEN HE IS GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

HE'S SUCKING THE BIG PICKLE."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "GRANDPA, YOU ARE

PREJUDICED AGAINST GAY PEOPLE."

HE'S LIKE, "I AM NOT

HOMOGRAPHIC.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT NOBODY.

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT."

THE MAN HAS GONE STARK RAVING

MAD.

AND I THINK THAT IS WHY MY

GRANDMOTHER IS SHRINKING.

SHE'S 82 YEARS OLD, PEOPLE,

AND SHE'S SHRINKING, EVERYTHING

EXCEPT HER HUGE REAR END.

PEOPLE, IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

SHE IS SHRINKING INTO HER BIG

BEHIND.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S JUST A HEAD SITTING ON

TOP OF A BUTT WITH A COUPLE OF

LEGS STICKING OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE OLD BUTT

LADY.

THAT'S ALL SHE IS.

OH, YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL

FOR LAUGHING AT MY GRANDMA.

YOU THINK THAT'S OKAY?

AND THEN ALL THE UGLY RELATIVES

SHOWED UP.

OH, YEAH, THE HALF-LIZARD,

HALF-MOOSE LOOKING PEOPLE.

EVERY FAMILY HAS 'EM.

IF YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING RIGHT

NOW, YOU ARE THE UGLY FAMILY.

(LAUGHTER)

YUCK IT UP.

YUCK IT UP.

UGLY BABIES ARE THE WORST.

AND DON'T YOU GO, "OH."

'CAUSE THAT MEANS YOU HAD AN

UGLY BABY AND GAVE IT AWAY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE JUST FEELING GUILTY.

SEE, PARENTS WHO HAVE UGLY

BABIES, THEY INSIST UPON SHOWING

THEM TO YOU, EXPECTING YOU TO

COMPLIMENT THEM.

BUT WHEN YOU GET UP CLOSE WITH

THAT BABY, IT'S SHOCKING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, IS THAT YOUR

BABY?

LET ME SEE-- OH, MY GOD!

(LAUGHTER)

IS THAT YOUR BABY?

CUTE?

YES, IT IS.

CUTE AS A...AS A RAT'S ASS.

THAT'S AN UGLY BABY, LADY.

(LAUGHTER)

COULD YOU PUT THE BLANKET BACK

OVER HIS FACE?

HE'S SCARING MY PIT BULL."

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHAT'S WITH THE WOMEN

BREAST-FEEDING THEIR BABIES OUT

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