Eugene Mirman - Little Girl Neck Tattoo

Season 1 , Ep 101 12/14/12 Views: 10,366

Eugene Mirman thinks kids should be allowed to lie to their parents. (2:04)

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THANK YOUFOR YOUR WARM WELCOME.

AH, SAN FRANCISCO--WHAT A WONDERFUL CITY, JU--

SURE.WHY NOT?

[chuckles]

THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE,

I, UH--I WAS WALKINGDOWN THE STREET,

AND I TURNED A CORNER,AND THIS HOMELESS GUY WAS LIKE,

"HEY, COULD I HAVESOME MONEY FOR A HOOKER?"

AND I WAS LIKE,"HOW DO I KNOW..."

[laughter]

I DON'T WANT HIMBUYING BOOZE.

I WANT HIM HAVINGTHE WORST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER

I CAN IMAGINE.

THAT'S WHATI PAID FOR.

I, UH--I LIVE IN BROOKLYN,AND I'M AWAY A LOT,

SO I HAVE STUFF MAILEDTO THIS MAILBOX PLACE.

AND WHENEVERANYTHING ARRIVES,

THE GUY CALLS ME,AND HE ALWAYS GOES,

"YOU HAVE A SMALL PACKAGE."

OH, STOP IT, YOU FLIRT.

I DON'T HAVE A KID,

BUT A LOT OF MY FRIENDSHAVE STARTED HAVING KIDS.

AND IT SEEMS, LIKE,SO SCARY NOW WHERE, LIKE--

YOU KNOW, WITH JUSTALL THE FEAR YOU CAN HAVE.

AND, UH, I SAW SHOESYOU CAN BUY

THAT ARE--THAT ARE--LIKE, HAVE A GPS,

SO YOU CAN TRACK YOUR KIDS.

AND IT SEEMS LIKEYOUR KIDS SHOULD BE ALLOWED

TO, LIKE,LIE TO YOU AND STUFF

TO GROW UPAND BECOME PEOPLE,

BUT YOU STILL WANTTO KEEP THEM SAFE.

AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD, LIKE,A LITTLE GIRL,

LIKE, AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL,WHAT I WOULD DO TO KEEP HER SAFE

IS THAT I WOULD JUSTGET HER, LIKE, A NECK TATTOO

'CAUSE REALLY, WHO IS GONNA[bleep] WITH A LITTLE GIRL

WITH, LIKE, A SPIDER PLAYINGA MOTLEY CRUE DRUM KIT

ON HER FACE AND NECK?

IF YOU'RE GONNA PUSHONE OF TWO KIDS,

IT'S THE OTHER ONE.

OR I WOULD GET HER, LIKE,A TATTOO OF A MUSTACHE

'CAUSE REALLY, I BET EVENPEDOPHILES WOULD BE LIKE,

"THIS IS NOT WORTH IT.

THIS SEEMS EXHAUSTING,WHATEVER THAT IS."

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