Doug Benson - Pickup Lines

  • Season 13 , Ep 2
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 17,995

Doug has a pickup line that has had a 100% failure rate. (4:25)

I'VE GONE ON A COUPLEOF MySpace DATES --

YOU KNOW, DATES FROM MySpace.

DOUG-UNDERSCORE-BENSON.

AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...IT NEVER GOES WELL.

IT NEVER WORKS OUTBECAUSE IT'S SCARY, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET TO KNOW THE PERSONOVER THE INTERNET,

BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'VE GOTTO SEE THEM FACE-TO-FACE,

AND THAT DRIVE OVER THERE,THE WHOLE WAY, I'M LIKE,

"OH, GOD, I HOPE 'DATELINE'ISN'T THERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"NOT AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WANT TO FINISH MY LEMONADEAND MY COOKIE THIS TIME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T WANT TO GET ATTACKEDBY A GIANT SHRUBBERY MAN.

THAT SEEMS EXCESSIVE."

IT'S TOUGH FOR ME, THOUGH,BECAUSE WOMEN SAY --

THEY LIKE TO SAY

THAT THE NUMBER-ONE THINGTHEY LOOK FOR IN A MAN

IS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]AND -- YEAH.

AND WHEN WOMEN SAY THAT,THEY ARE LYING LIARS

WHO ARE LYINGOUT OF THEIR LYING HOLE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE DONE THE RESEARCH,

AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WOMENARE REALLY LOOKING FOR

ARE LARGE "PENESSESES"...

AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CASH.

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH, EXACTLY.

WOMEN SAY SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND THAT CONFUSES IGNORAMUSESLIKE ME,

'CAUSE I THINK

AS LONG AS I COME UPWITH A HILARIOUS PICK-UP LINE,

BOOM, I'M IN.

BANG, POW, MMM!

BUT IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MEN AND WOMEN HAVEA DIFFERENT SENSE OF HUMOR.

I CAME UP WITH A PICK-UP LINETHAT HAS HAD 100% FAILURE RATE.

I GO UP TO A WOMAN IN A BAR,AND I GO,

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.MY [BLEEP] JUST DIED.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I BURIED ITIN YOUR [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

THAT IS CLEVER AND ORIGINAL.

AND SOMEHOW, IT NEVER WORKS.

WHAT UP?

AND YOU GO TO MOVIES,

AND PICK-UP LINES WORKIN MOVIES ALL THE TIME,

'CAUSE IN THE SCRIPTS,EVERYBODY PLAYS ALONG.

YOU KNOW?

I SAW THAT MOVIE "DERAILED"

WITH CLIVE OWENAND JENNIFER ANISTON.

WE DIDN'T GO TOGETHER.THEY'RE IN IT.

AND...[ LAUGHTER ]

HE GOES UP TO HER IN A BAR

AND HE'S ALL SMOOTHAND BRITISH-Y AND HE'S LIKE,

"I'LL BET YOU $20

THAT I COULD KISS YOUWITHOUT TOUCHING YOUR LIPS."

AND SHE'S LIKE "HUH?!"

[ BELLOWING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW.SHE'S REALLY GOOD IN THAT ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE'S NOT LIKE RACHEL AT ALLIN THAT ONE.

SERIOUS DRAMA.

AND THEN HE JUST LEANS INAND KISSES HER,

JUST [SMOOCHES]PLANTS ONE ON HER.

AND THEN HE GOES,"THAT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY."

I MEAN, HE DOESN'T SOUND ASCREEPY AS I DO WHEN HE SAYS IT.

"THAT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, THAT WAS GOOD!

I LIKE TO LEAVE MY SOCKS ON."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I JUST KNOW IF I TRIEDTHAT PICK-UP LINE,

I WOULD TOTALLY SCREW IT UP.

I'D BE LIKE, "HEY, LADY!

"I'LL BET YOU $5

"THAT I COULD PUT MY PENIS[BLEEP] YOUR VAGINA

"WITHOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

"WAIT, I SCREWED IT UP.I MEANT $20.

"$22.50?

"COME BACK.DID I MENTION MY [BLEEP] DIED?

"I'VE GOT FAMOUS AMOS COOKIES...

IN THIS POCKET."

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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