Robert Hawkins - Write Home

  • Season 7 , Ep 20
  • 07/03/2003
  • Views: 1,340

Nowadays, kids can get Crunch Berries cereal without the crunch. (2:53)

I WENT TO THE STORE.

I'M ON THE CEREAL AISLE WHERE

THEY HAVE THE CEREAL.

AND I SEE A BOX OF CAPTAIN

CRUNCH.

IT'S JUST THE CRUNCH BERRIES.

THERE'S NO CRUNCH.

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?

IT'S JUST A BOX OF CRUNCH

BERRIES, AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM

WITH KIDS TODAY, RIGHT THERE.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO WORK FOR

NOTHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN I WAS A KID, YOU HAD TO EAT

AROUND THE BERRIES FOR HALF AN

HOUR AND THEN YOU HAD A BERRIES

FINALE AT THE END.

YOU HAD A BERRIES SURPRISE

AND YOU EARNED IT.

AND IT BUILT CHARACTER.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FATHER TOLD ME, "SON,

YOU GIVE A MAN A FISH, HE'LL EAT

FOR A DAY.

YOU TEACH A MAN TO FISH,

AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT

6:00 AM, RENT A BOAT, I'M NOT

BUYING THE BEER.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

WHERE IS HE?

DID HE TOUCH YOU, HUH?

I'M SLEEPIN'.

WHERE IS HE?

SHOW US ON THE DOLL, BOY.

D-- HE DIDN'T TOUCH YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

THEN GET OUT OF HERE YOU

LITTLE-- GET OUT OF HERE!"

I CALL MY MOM ALL THE TIME, NOT

'CAUSE I LOVE HER OR NUTHIN'.

BUT IF I DON'T INVEST A CALL TO

HER, I'LL GET THESE EMBARRASSING

MOM MUPPET MESSAGES ON MY

MACHINE.

I DON'T NEED IT, DUDE.

"BEEP!

HOW YA DOIN', BABY?

[KISS NOISES]

IT'S YOUR MOM, HONEY.

HOW'S MY PUPPY?

HOW'S MY LITTLE PUPPY!

[LAUGHTER]

ONE NIGHT SHE GOT CUT OFF AND

I EXPLAINED TO HER CERTAIN

VOICES WILL TRIGGER THE REMOTE

FUNCTIONS IN THE MACHINE.

WELL, NOW IT'S WORSE, SHE CALLS

UP TRYING TO FOOL MY MACHINE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT I'M GETTIN' NOW IS

"BEEP!

[DEEP VOICE] HOW YA DOIN', BABY?

IT'S YOUR MOM, HONEY.

HOW'S MY PUPPY?

HOW'S MY PUPPY?"

[LAUGHTER]

AH, SHE'S DOIN' THE TEETH,

I KNOW IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, I LIKE TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH

MY FOLKS, BUT THERE'S A LINE.

FRIEND OF MINE WAS TELLING ME

ABOUT THE SEXUAL EXPLOIT HE HAD.

HE SLEPT WITH THIS GIRL.

I SAID, "WAS SHE CUTE?"

HE SAYS, "NUTHIN' TO WRITE HOME

ABOUT."

WHICH IS A TERRIBLE THING

TO SAY, BUT THEN IT GOT ME

THINKIN', DID HE EVER?

[LAUGHTER]

"DEAR MOM: YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THE PIECE OF CHIPPY I GOT

LAST NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

NORMALLY I WOULDN'T WRITE,

YOU KNOW.

BUT THIS, THIS WAS SOME

EXCEPTIONAL, EXCEPTIONAL TENDER

VITALS.

JUST-- LEGS!

LEGS UP TO HER NOOK AND CRANNY.

A LITTLE JUNK, LITTLE JUNK IN

THE TRUNK, BUT OFFSET BY A NICE

RACK-A-DOPHOLUS 500, JUST--

HEAVY UPSTAIRS.

"AND WORK ETHIC, MADRE.

WHEN SHE CLOCKED IN, SHE CLOCKED

IN EARLY, STAYED LATE.

SHE-- SHE EARNED THEM HEINEKENS.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW'S POP?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOUR SON, BRENT."

"DEAR SON: STOP WRITING US.

[LAUGHTER]

WE CAN'T STOP VOMITING.

USE A CONDOM.

MOTHER."

[LAUGHTER]

"DEAR SON: KEEP THE LETTERS

COMIN'.

POP."

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