Kevin Nealon - New York This Time of Year

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 05/28/1999
  • Views: 7,697

Kevin Nealon loves New York this time of year. (3:34)

I WENT ON A TRIP WITH MY WIFE

AND TWO OF HER GIRLFRIENDSLAST SUMMER

AND I WAS JUST OBSERVINGAND IT'S JUST AMAZING.

THEY GO THROUGH THREE STAGES.

IT'S SEXY, THEN THE LITTLE GIRL,AND THEN BITCHY.

I WAS AT THE AIRLINE COUNTER

AND I WASJUST WATCHING THEM WORK

AND IT WAS, YOU KNOW,THEY WORKED IT SO WELL.

IT WAS LIKE, UH, "HI, LISTEN,UH, WE JUST MISSED OUR FLIGHT

"AND WOW, YOU HAVE NICE EYES.

"THEY'RE BLUE? YEAH.

"LISTEN, WE WERE WONDERING

"IF MAYBE WE CAN GET UPGRADEDTO THE CONCORDE.

"NO? WELL, THEN,HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET

"BACK TO FROM WHEREWE CAME FROM, YOU KNOW?

"YOU DON'T THINK MAYBE...THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN DO IT?

"NO? WELL, JESUS, WHAT THE HELLIS WRONG WITH YOU DAMN PEOPLE?!

EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND YOU'REPULLING SOME STUNT LIKE THIS!"

IT'S TRUE

BUT, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODYMANIPULATES EVERYBODY.

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

I USED TO BE IN ADVERTISING.

THAT WAS REAL DECEPTIVE,THE WAY THEY MANIPULATE PEOPLE

TO GET THEMTO BUY THINGS, YOU KNOW?

BUT THIS IS A LOT MORE FUNDOING THIS KIND OF WORK.

BIG BUCKS, BECAUSE IT'S A BETTERLIFESTYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

EARLIER TONIGHT I HAD DINNER

AT THIS VERY FANCYRESTAURANT, HOOTERS.

I FORGET THE NAME OF IT,BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU

I WAS VERY IMPRESSED, CLEAVAGE.

I MEAN, JUST, YOU KNOW,FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT NEW YORK HAS SO MUCH

CULTURAL AND HISTORICALDIVERSITY, STRIP CLUBS.

YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING TO A...

NO, SERIOUS, I WAS TALKINGTO A FRIEND OF MINE

EARLIER THIS WEEK, LAP DANCING.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUTHOW FRESH THE AIR SMELLS, VOMIT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'STHAT TIME OF THE YEAR OR WHAT

BUT JUST WALKING AROUND,IT'S JUST NICE, YOU KNOW.

I WENT OUT TO QUEENS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAYABOUT PEOPLE IN QUEENS.

I THINK THEY'RE VERYSOPHISTICATED WHITE TRASH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DOFOR A LIVING.

NO, I THINK SO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO

FOR A LIVING OUT THERE,SLUMLORDS

BUT I THINK THEY'RE VERY,VERY SUCCESSFUL, DRUG DEALERS

AND THAT'S A GOOD SIGN,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I SAID,I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW.

I LIVE IN A VERY RITZYNEIGHBORHOOD, TRAILER PARK

AND YOU KNOW,I THINK IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY

ABOUT PEOPLE IN LOS ANGELES.

THEY ARE IN REALLY, REALLYGREAT SHAPE, BOOB JOBS.

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FROM,YOU KNOW

EXERCISING, LIPOSUCTION,OR WHAT, BUT MAN

JUST HEALTHY LOOKING, GREATLOOKING SOFT-SKIN, LEATHER

AND JUST AN OVERALL HEALTHYATTITUDE, PROZAC.

I THINK THAT'S A NICE SIGN.

I LOVE THE BIG CITIES

BECAUSE I'M A PEOPLE-WATCHER,PEEPING TOM.

THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW.

I LIKE TO, UH... YEAH,I LIKE WATCHING PEOPLE

AND YOU CAN TELL A LOT

ABOUT SOMEBODY BY THEIRAPPEARANCE, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, TAKE THIS GUYFOR EXAMPLE, PERVERT.

I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL,YOU KNOW?

BUT SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY

OBVIOUSLY MAKINGA FASHION STATEMENT, K-MART

AND THAT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU CAN TELLJUST BY LOOKING A HIM

HE'S GOT A LOT OF SELF-PRIDE,CHEAP BASTARD

AND THAT'S GOOD, YOU KNOW.

NOT ONLY SELF-PRIDE

BUT HE'S GOT A GOOD HANDLEON THINGS, HUNG OVER.

IT'S JUST THE WAYI SEE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

AND THE SAME WITH THIS GUYOVER HERE, STALKER.

I DON'T KNOW HIMFROM ADAM EITHER, BUT...

OBVIOUSLY A WONDERFUL PERSON,CROSS-DRESSER

AND, YOU KNOW,THAT'S COMMENDABLE.

YOU DESERVE A LOT OF CREDIT,BIG WEDGIE.

I JUST LIKE LOOKING AT PEOPLE.

YOU MEET A LOT OF PEOPLEDOING THIS.

THAT'S THE FUN THING.

I WAS TALKING TO THESE THREELADIES TONIGHT EARLIER, HOOKERS

AND WE THOUGHT MAYBEAFTER THE SHOW

WE THOUGHT MAYBE, YOU KNOW,GO OUT AND GET SOME COFFEE

AND JUST TALK, HOT SEX,BECAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

I'M A PEOPLE PERSON,JEFFREY DAHMER.

THAT'S WHAT I DO, YOU KNOW?

STANDING OVATION, WELL, LISTEN.

YOU HAD A GREAT TIME.I WAS VERY FUNNY.

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