Paul F. Tompkins - Letters to Magazines

  • Season 7 , Ep 6
  • 03/13/2002
  • Views: 8,708

Why would anybody write a letter to a magazine? (3:03)

Paul F. Tompkins: FOLKS,

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

I JUST WANNA SAY THIS HAS BEEN

A LOTTA FUN.

BEFORE I DO THIS NEXT BIT.

AND I JUST WANNA SAY, HELLO

TO THE PEOPLE THAT I WORK WITH

AT THAT FACTORY WHO THINK

I CALLED OUT SICK.

BUT I CAME HERE TO DO

A TV SPECIAL SO, SORRY GUYS.

I HAD TO FOOL YA.

I DON'T WORK IN A FACTORY.

YOU KIDDING?

LOOK AT ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE

WRITE LETTERS TO MAGAZINES.

IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

IT'S POINTLESS.

YOU WANNA SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT

THAT BAD, WRITE IT ON A PIECE

OF PAPER AND LOOK AT IT.

AH, THERE IT IS.

JUST AS I ALWAYS DREAMED.

I CAN MAYBE UNDERSTAND IT,

MAYBE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THIS MUCH,

IF YOU'RE MAD AT THE MAGAZINE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

IF YOU DISAGREE WITH SOMETHING

OR WHATEVER AND YOU GOTTA WRITE

'EM AN ANGRY MISSIVE, YOU KNOW.

"DEAR MAGAZINE: I AM MOST

DISPLEASED..."

NAAHHH!

THERE, YOU'VE REALLY STRUCK

A BLOW.

YOU'RE LIKE A NEW ROSA PARKS

OR SOMETHING.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

DOING IT FOR US ALL.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS,

WHEN PEOPLE WRITE LETTERS

TO MAGAZINES TO SAY HOW MUCH

THEY AGREED WITH A PARTICULAR

REVIEW.

OR HOW MUCH THEY ENJOYED

A PARTICULAR ARTICLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL WRITE A LETTER

TO YOUR GROCERY STORE.

"DEAR GROCERY STORE: THANKS FOR

PUTTING YOUR EGGS IN A CARTON.

IT MAKES 'EM A LOT EASIER TO GET

'EM HOME."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, I'M ON A LETTER WRITING

TEAR.

"DEAR ALARM CLOCK: THANKS FOR

WAKING ME UP IN THE MORNING."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T READ THIS

CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A THING.

MY FAVORITE LETTERS TO

THE MAGAZINES ARE LETTERS

TO ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY--

I CALL IT E.W. BECAUSE I'M BUSY.

BUT--

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE WRITE LETTERS TO

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY TO SAY

HOW MUCH THEY LIKED THE PICTURE

ON THE COVER.

WHAT THE HELL.

THAT'S THEIR WHOLE LETTER.

"DEAR ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY:

THANKS SO MUCH FOR PUTTING A

PICTURE OF J-LO AND BEN AFFLECK

ON THE COVER OF YOUR MAGAZINE.

I LIKE THEM.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINE I WAS SURE

PLEASED TO SEE A PICTURE OF 'EM

ON THE FRONT OF YOUR BOOK.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

IT IS NICE OF YOU TO PUT

PICTURES OF THINGS I LIKE

ON YOUR MAGAZINE FRONT PART.

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,

HERE'S SOME OTHER THINGS I LIKE.

I LIKE TOMATOES, TEA COZIES,

SOME DOGS, MOST CATS.

THERE'S A CAT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

NAMED 'SPEEDY' I'M AWFUL

FOND OF.

MAYBE YOU COULD PUT A PICTURE

OF 'EM ON YOUR MAGAZINE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'D SEND

A PHOTOGRAPHER TO TAKE A PICTURE

OF 'EM OR A SKETCH ARTIST

TO DRAW A PICTURE OF 'EM

BUT YOU BETTER BE QUICK,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T CALL HIM

SPEEDY FOR NOTHING.

OH, WELL.

ALL THE BLOOD IS LEAVING MY HEAD

NOW, SO I BETTER SIGN OFF.

LOVE A BIG DUMB JACKASS."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

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